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Only the FMLs I didn't vote on | All the FMLs

Today, my father is really enjoying the iPhone my mother gave him for Christmas. He's enjoying it so much that he's already installed all sorts of dating apps. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2015 at 7:38pm / Brazil (Santa Catarina) / Love

Today, I brought home a ukulele I had just bought. Excited, I showed my dad. He then looked at me, smirked, and said "Just like everything else you have, it's a bit smaller than normal." FML

by Austyn / 02/18/2011 at 2:55am / Miscellaneous

Today, I worked a full day and then went to a three-hour class. I got home at 9 PM, and before the door closed I heard, "There's a sink full of dishes for you." There are three able-bodied men in the house, all of whom got here hours ago and created that sink full of dishes. FML

by Anonymous / 01/12/2011 at 9:06pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, I was using a power drill to take down the set for the musical we just finished. My long hair got caught in the drill, got ripped out and now I have a hurting, bleeding bald spot the size of 2 quarters. FML

by bdavis / 03/10/2010 at 1:11am / Canada (Quebec) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that I have a rack and butt most girls would be jealous of. That wouldn't be bad if I wasn't a dude. FML

Today, I was stung by a wasp. Startled, I stumbled and grabbed a nearby tree branch to regain my balance. The branch happened to be the location of the wasp's nest, which fell to the ground and split open. The wasps weren't happy. FML

by Anonymous / 10/04/2015 at 7:34pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, my husband got fired from his job as a maintenance man at our apartment complex for accidentally letting a hooker into someone's house. FML

by Anonymous / 12/21/2015 at 4:45pm / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, after months of job hunting, I started a new job in a deli. I've been a vegetarian since I was 13, but it was the only job I could find. Turns out, I'm allergic to the preservatives they use, as my fingers now resemble sausages. Guess it's time to start job hunting again. FML

by NateTheGreat132 / 10/20/2014 at 7:59am / United States (New York) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a lady on the bus came up to me and asked if she could sit down. Thinking she meant the seat next to me, I said sure. She meant my lap. FML

by LLCK / 12/10/2012 at 5:13am / United States (Minnesota) / Transportation

Today, my girlfriend and I were being driven home from our date by her mother. She's Jewish and I'm Catholic. Her mother was talking about how my girlfriend was going on a trip to Jerusalem that summer. She finished with "And you can find a nice Jewish boy while you're there." FML

by Not Jewish / 03/02/2009 at 3:10am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was washing my face like I normally do. My mom walked by as I was wiping my face and said "That's the washcloth I use to wipe my ass!" My dad and brothers are now only addressing me as "Assface." FML

by aaaaaaaaasssssssssssssss / 08/26/2015 at 9:55am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took my iPod to Walmart to replace the battery. They tell me to call Apple. I go home again and call Apple. They tell me to call Walmart. I call Walmart. They tell me to bring it in. FML

by Anonymous / 10/21/2010 at 6:04pm / United States (New York) / Geek

Today, I'm no longer allowed to work the drive-thru at my job, because over the weekend, 3 dumbasses I go to school with came in and complained to my manager, saying I sounded a creepy pervert and that it scared them enough to take their business elsewhere. FML

by why / 10/11/2015 at 10:07pm / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows. FML

by duncanisgey / 03/04/2011 at 5:57pm / Canada (Manitoba) / Animals

Today, I was handling corrosive chemicals when I accidentally spilled a beaker of Hydrochloric Acid on myself. I had to strip naked and use the emergency shower with my boss and my hot coworker watching. The worst part was when I realized my coworker was laughing at the size of my penis. FML

by Anonymous / 08/03/2009 at 2:33pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, my mom tried to diagnose my sickness with advice she'd gotten from a dog magazine. FML

by fml / 09/27/2011 at 3:25pm / United States / Health

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go to the bathroom. He said "Okay baby, go drop your load." He also used the same voice as when he talks to his cat. FML

by peepee. / 09/29/2010 at 11:17pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I've been struggling with my English paper for the past hour, because I can't concentrate. This is because my mom is in the room next to me, singing to her pet rat about what a cute little boy he is, in between yelling at him to stop "molesting" her. FML

by theycallmekitty / 01/10/2013 at 7:02pm / United States (Georgia) / Animals

Today, I was walking by a bunch of pretty girls. I'm not the most attractive boy, so I walked by nervously. I heard one yell "Hey cutie!" I turned to look, and they started laughing. She said "Oh my god, sorry! I assumed you were cute from your butt!" Apparently, my ass is nicer than my face. FML

by bitches. / 06/14/2009 at 8:39pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was the first day of my job at a kindergarten. A boy fell over in the playground, so I ran over to see if he was OK. He got up and had a huge red mark on the side of his face. Shocked, I yelled "Oh my god, your face!" Turns out it's a very large port-wine birthmark and now he won't stop crying. FML

by GhettoBeast / 09/08/2009 at 12:42am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend and I spent 30 minutes listening to my grandmother telling us that my cat is a medium. My boyfriend is totally convinced. FML

by inchetogb / 01/14/2011 at 11:24pm / United States (Kentucky) / Animals

Today, I went to the gynecologist. In the waiting room they had decorative words that spelled out "Relax" and "Enjoy". FML

by Anonymous / 06/18/2013 at 6:44am / United States / Health

Today, I woke up happier than I've ever been because last night I hooked up with the girl I have loved for almost a year and I thought I would never get with her. This morning I saw that her status on Facebook was "FML". FML

by Anonymous / 05/09/2009 at 4:18pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML

by f*ckingdisgusted / 08/26/2011 at 9:13pm / United States / Kids

Today, my relatives won't acknowledge my existence unless I'm posting a picture of my cat. They only talk about the cat. FML

by Steiner / 11/05/2013 at 4:26pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my apartment building shut off our water for a short period of time because the pipes were being worked on. It was also the morning my dog had diarrhea on my cream carpet. Not only did I have to clean it up without water, I couldn't wash my hands afterward. FML

by jordanss / 11/11/2010 at 1:02pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, my wife has the flu, while I have strep throat. We have a two-year-old toddler and have no clue as to who's more contagious and who should take care of her as to not get her sick. Yay for the entire day of surgical masks and Sesame Street. FML

by Curly / 01/08/2013 at 7:26pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, my very good friend ratted me out to my boss because I used the photocopier for personal use. He said he will always be my friend, but "rules are rules." FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2009 at 3:20pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I stumbled across "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" on TV and realized that these awful freaks are going to make more money than I ever will. FML

by Anonymous / 09/13/2012 at 6:29pm / United States / Money

Today, I told my son to go clean his mess of a room. He yelled, "Dobby has no master! Dobby is a free elf!" and walked off. He turned 18 a week ago. FML

by Anonymous / 07/25/2012 at 6:54am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I managed to accidentally drop an entire cake on my laptop's keyboard. There's so much frosting stuck under the keys, I have no idea how I'm going to clean it out. FML

by hating my life / 11/26/2015 at 2:57am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I had an interview for an office job. As a requirement, I had to show up dressed for the job. My friend has worked there for years and told me it was casual dress. I wore jeans and a blouse. Everyone else had on business suits. Obviously my friend doesn't know what casual means. FML

by xorenae / 03/27/2015 at 4:38am / United States (California) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, we learned that our dog can run and urinate simultaneously. The entire house smells like piss. FML

by anonymous / 08/15/2015 at 11:16pm / United States (South Carolina) / Animals

Today, I saw an attractive, thin woman eating a salad. Trying to be smooth, I approached her and told her that she didn't need to eat so scarcely, because she was beautiful. She promptly gave me a dirty look and informed me that she was a vegetarian. FML

by Anonymous / 02/08/2011 at 1:32pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I pointed out to my girlfriend that she wasn't jealous. She replied, "Well actually, I am, I just can't prove it cause no one else is interested in you". FML

by Numou / 12/08/2008 at 2:26am / Love

Today, I was lying in bed minding my own business when my mom entered the room. I was proposed to a few weeks ago by my boyfriend, and my mom came in to tell me that my boyfriend's mom was on the phone. Turns out, he stole the engagement ring from her drawer. FML

by violet / 11/29/2009 at 5:52pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, after our old roommate left because he was too dirty for us to live with anymore, we found out that our new roommate has "borrowed" our shampoo, towel, toilet paper, liquor, without replacing them. I wish we still only had to clean up. FML

by upset room mate / 08/18/2011 at 2:59am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was following my friend to her house in my car, because I didn't know where it was. I'd been following her for at least an hour when she pulled into a gas station. Turns out I'd been following the wrong car. I have no idea where I am. FML

by friedchicken / 11/12/2011 at 1:43am / Canada (British Columbia) / Transportation

Today, I found out I've recently developed a bladder control issue. Every time I lift anything more than about fifteen pounds, I pee myself a little. I work in a warehouse. Heavy lifting is my job. FML

by mcpeepants / 01/08/2010 at 12:56pm / United States (Vermont) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was driving on the freeway. I shut my windows and sunroof when I started to feel heavy rain hitting me in the face and shoulder. I was confused by the rain because the sun was bright and there was blue, cloudless sky. Then I saw the large trash truck in front of me spewing "trash juice". FML

by iross / 10/23/2009 at 3:19pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

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