Today, I set my beer on the windowsill while I made space for it on the table. Suddenly, the wind knocked the window open. Into my beer. Into a box of expensive electronics. It was the last beer. FML

by sayno2mermaids / 08/03/2016 at 10:08pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked into a wall, smashing my laptop into the top of my eye socket. This was all because I was carrying my laptop, phone and chocolate mug cake, all while trying to watch Netflix on said laptop. I feel like a 2016 cliché. FML

by justplaindumb / 08/03/2016 at 8:48pm / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went out to dinner with my mom and several of her friends. My mom spent the entire night gushing about my Ivy League school and med student boyfriend. I attend a state university and am single. She threatened to cut me off if I didn't play along. FML

by aurelj1 / 08/03/2016 at 3:59pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my car broke down in the middle of nowhere. I walked about 3 miles to the nearest house to call a tow truck. When I got back to where I left my car, it was gone. FML

by Anonymous / 08/03/2016 at 2:01pm / United States (New Mexico) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to an angry and threatening email from a porn company. Apparently, I took a sleeping pill last night and wrote a nasty email to the company about how they mistreat women. The best part: I used a web contact form instead of an email, so I have absolutely no idea what I wrote. FML

by damn you Ambien / 08/03/2016 at 1:48am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my father went missing. Naturally worried, we searched his workplace, hospitals, and other locations. Ends up he got arrested for driving around town drunk out of his mind. Oh, and it's my birthday. Thanks for throwing me a great (search) party, dad. FML

by shikushiku / 08/02/2016 at 11:12pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my straight, white, Christian stepmother greeted my black friend with, "Hey my n****a". He hasn't talked to me since. FML

by why mom / 08/02/2016 at 7:52pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I excitedly told my brother I submitted a short story for a competition for the first time ever. His reply? "Congrats. I guess the first letter of rejection is a special occasion." Gee, thanks for that reality check. FML

by Anonymous / 08/02/2016 at 10:42am / Germany (Berlin) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom told me that she wanted the whole family to move to Guatemala. I told her, as nice and calmly as I could, that this was an awful idea. She is now furious with me because I don't want to move to Guatemala. FML

by holluphollup / 08/01/2016 at 2:01pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I got punched in the face after I beat my stepbrother at Mario Kart. I didn't really get hurt, but he managed to break a finger. My stepmom blamed the whole thing on me, accusing me of being violent and a bad influence on her son. FML

by Anonymous / 07/31/2016 at 10:19am / Miscellaneous

Today, on a girls night out at a very fancy restaurant, our waiter spilled my chocolate dessert over my new white pants. To repay up, they gave us a free bottle of red wine, which he promptly coated me in. FML

by Hutchie931 / 07/30/2016 at 7:24pm / United Kingdom (Dudley) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized I got more birthday wishes from people checking my ID for alcohol purchases than from friends. FML

by taroschain / 07/30/2016 at 5:19pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML

by Egtat216 / 07/29/2016 at 6:03pm / United Kingdom (Aberdeen City) / Miscellaneous