Today, my 4 year old niece asked me why I didn't have a job or wife. FML

by Noname / 02/03/2009 at 3:25pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, after a late night at a bar, I stepped into my building's elevator with a Chinese man who was carrying a plastic bag. Without thinking, I said, "Oooh, are you still delivering?" His response was, "I live here." FML

by Noname / 02/03/2009 at 2:57pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally got the guts to walk out of class 30 min. early only to find that the back door was locked. As I stood there like an idiot trying to get it open, all 200 people in my class turned to laugh. My professor stared at me. I then walked back to my seat sat down and unpacked. FML

by baller12 / 02/03/2009 at 10:25am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried helping an old lady with her groceries. When I asked if she needed help she smiled. When I took one of her bags she yelled. I didn't know she was deaf. FML

by Cob / 02/03/2009 at 8:03am / United States (South Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, the cleaning lady left a note that said my room was too dirty to clean. FML

by fuckedalready / 02/03/2009 at 7:40am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I stuffed my buttcrack with toilet paper right before my job interview because I tend to sweat there a lot and was wearing a white skirt. I went to the bathroom afterward to take it out but it wasn't there anymore. It could have only gone up two places. FML

by wtf / 02/02/2009 at 10:28pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a fast food restaurant. The guy behind me was a pretty hot latin guy. When I went to pay, my purse fell off the counter. My birth control pills, a condom, 3 super plus tampons and an extra pair of underwear I keep in there for emergencies fell out at his feet. FML

by houdini / 02/02/2009 at 7:42pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom slept all day. But when she got out of bed for five minutes, she told me I was a worthless piece of shit. Then she went back to bed. FML

by asdf / 02/02/2009 at 1:07pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to use my friend's toilet. His pretty cute sister was in the kitchen adjoining the bathroom, so I smiled and said hi on my way through. I then had the loudest and most vile-sounding shit of my life. FML

by achtung / 02/01/2009 at 6:57pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, for the Superbowl halftime show, my mom was blasting the TV, dancing, and singing along to Bruce Springsteen in front of me and my boyfriend. FML

by Embarrassed daughter.. / 02/01/2009 at 2:09pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was talking to my friend about my life and she stopped me mid-sentence and told me that my life makes her sad. FML

by why... / 02/01/2009 at 12:37pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a wet dream. When I woke up, I was touching myself. Unfortunately, I also woke up to find that I had fallen asleep on the couch after eating too much at a family reunion. When I looked around the room, over 10 relatives were giving me nasty looks. FML

by frankrizzo / 02/01/2009 at 12:29pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm a shy guy normally, and when I talk to my friends I don't keep eye contact so I always look down even when I'm listening. My friend asked me why I always look at her boobs. FML

by foo / 02/01/2009 at 11:48am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous