Today, it was my 24th birthday. I got a card from my sister reading: "Here's to another year of complete disregard for age-appropriate developmental milestones." She was right. FML

by nothreat33 / 01/17/2009 at 7:04pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, was just like almost every for the past few months; I slept till 1pm, smoked cigarettes, jerked off, went to the store to get coffee, smoked more cigarettes, and sat in my room alone until 4am, jerking off and smoking cigarettes. FML

by none / 01/17/2009 at 6:35pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, in class, I volunteered to read a poem out loud. I accidentally said "circumcised" instead of "circumscribed". I don't think I"ll be volunteering to read anything more. FML

by EpicFail / 01/17/2009 at 10:49am / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to an underwear shop, and an employee recommended me a push-up bra. I was wearing one. FML

by Pakundo / 01/17/2009 at 6:31am / Miscellaneous

Today, I was naked in bed. I was eating vanilla yogurt and it spilt. My dad walked in and then apologized that he had walked in on me while I was masturbating. FML

by stellarshaun / 01/16/2009 at 5:10pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, while waiting for class, I let out a huge fart in front of everyone thinking no one would hear it over the music. I was wearing headphones. FML

by Gob / 01/16/2009 at 9:36am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I reached for my beer and took a huge swallow before I realized that I had picked up my friend's tobacco spit cup. "Vomit" is not a strong enough word to describe what happened next. FML

by blegh / 01/15/2009 at 11:57pm / Switzerland (Ticino) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was hanging out with a couple of friends and one of them tells a funny story about how he filled a condom with syrup and put it in his friend's mouth while he was asleep. Me with my big mouth starts to say, "Condoms taste na--" and stopped myself as everyone started laughing at me. FML

by jen / 01/15/2009 at 7:39pm / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent four hours practicing funny voices. I have literally nothing better to do all day. FML

by Mystery LeRale / 01/15/2009 at 6:26pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at Target with my mom. After 10 minutes of my mom walking around looking confused, I said, "Mom, what are you looking for? I worked at this place for 4 years, I know where everything is." My mom was looking for KY. FML

by kallens / 01/15/2009 at 6:08pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I fell asleep in English and drooled on my test. Evidently everyone noticed. FML

by Erin / 01/15/2009 at 10:05am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was told that my mom and her new husband have named my new born brother "Titan". FML

by isthisajoke / 01/14/2009 at 10:49pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was trying to finish an english assignment and I was not sure how to complete it. So I emailed my teacher asking and she said flip over the assignment handout page for instructions. FML

by FUKDOUG / 01/14/2009 at 8:47pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous