Today, I was kicked out of my parents house. I was sleeping in my truck bed because I had nowhere to go. I awoke to a "beep beep beep" noise. I was being towed while sleeping in the truck bed. FML

by tootles / 05/22/2009 at 4:08pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my grandpa took out the family for dinner and paid for everyone. He paid the bill and my family and I were waiting by the door. I realised I probably should thank him for dinner. I turn around without thinking and give him a big hug and say thanks for dinner Grandpa. It wasn't my grandpa. FML

by dummy / 05/22/2009 at 1:12am / Canada (Manitoba) / Miscellaneous

Today, while cleaning out a closet with my mother, I found a wish list from when I was five. On that list, I wished my parents would divorce. Not only did that seriously hurt my mom, but now she thinks I'm the devil because my wish came true. FML

by Anonymous / 05/21/2009 at 10:45pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking in Walmart and this cute guy walked by me and winked. I thought he wanted to talk so I followed him around the store trying to catch up. Turns out it wasn't a wink, he had something in his eye. And he told the security person that a weird girl was stalking him. FML

by liz / 05/21/2009 at 7:46pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I brought some cupcakes to my class for my birthday, like all the cool kids do. When it came time to sing happy birthday, the entire class said "happy birthday to" then forgot my name. Except my teacher. She said Steve. My name's Jeff. FML

by theman / 05/21/2009 at 4:49pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I was looking over some old notes from high school when I came across a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I'm 25. I haven't accomplished a single one. I'm 26. FML

by Anonymous / 05/21/2009 at 1:16pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

by pa / 05/21/2009 at 9:06am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was desperate for a pee so I used some public toilets which were full of obviously underage girls drinking. I didn't think anything of it until halfway through my business when I looked up to see two of them leaning over the top of the stall taking pictures with a mobile phone. FML

by PublicToiletEspionage / 05/21/2009 at 6:52am / United Kingdom (Glasgow City) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was visiting my sick grandmother in the hospital when my cousin and I were playing in some empty wheelchairs. After goofing off I said, "They're fun, but I would kill myself if I was in a wheelchair." A little boy rounded the corner and said, "Tell me about it." He was in a wheelchair. FML

by boyo / 05/21/2009 at 5:48am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, after a few drinks my dad decided to tell me the story of how I was born. He wanted a baby girl after my brother, and mum didn't want any more children. So he tricked her by giving her the wrong pill. That should explain a lot. FML

by verycre8tive / 05/21/2009 at 3:31am / Romania (Bucuresti) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was taking a final exam and I reached into my pocket to get out a pencil. I felt this thing in my pocket so I got it out and put it on the desk. At first I thought it was a leaf but then it started kicking and trying to run around. It was a cockroach. It had been living in my pocket. FML

by GrahamCracker / 05/21/2009 at 1:36am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I ordered more memory and a new hard drive for my computer. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. FML

by Sam / 05/20/2009 at 10:17pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad told me about how my mother had a bad dream last night and began to scream "Don't take me, take my children!" FML

by lm / 05/20/2009 at 4:49pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Miscellaneous