Today, I was drinking at the local pub and started talking to a really cute guy. I bent down to pick up my bag and the second I did, I felt like I was going to throw up. I clamped my mouth shut in the vain hope that I could block it but as I stood back up, vomit sprayed out through my nose. FML

by soembarrassed / 08/02/2009 at 9:40am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a local concert. The singer from my favorite band stage-dived and I got to catch him. Unfortunately I was the only one to catch him. The next thing I know I'm pinned between him and the concrete floor as he finishes whatever part of the song he was on. He was fine, I hit my head. FML

by epicfail / 08/02/2009 at 4:39am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting a bit steamy. After a few minutes, he jumps up and runs over to the closet and puts on a long brown jacket putting the hood over to his eyes. He looks me in the eyes and says 'I am Obi Wan Kenobi and I'm going to slay you with my light saber'. FML

by dam01 / 08/02/2009 at 3:17am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I hurt my arm in a scooter accident, when my dad came to pick me up instead of taking me to the hospital like a normal dad, he took me directly home where he spent a hour shaving and taking a shower so he would "look nice" when he went to the hospital while I clutched my arm in pain. FML

by Anonymous / 08/02/2009 at 2:10am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was working as a cashier at my job. A guy came up with a cart full of stuff and it took me 10 minutes to ring it all up. When I told him his total, he felt his pockets, said "Oh shit I forgot my wallet!" and walked away. He left about 15 bags worth of things for me to put back. FML

by drano / 08/02/2009 at 12:04am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home tired and hungry from work. I put my feet up and sat down with a big bowl of chips and salsa. I thought I must have been really hungry because my regular no-name salsa tasted way better than usual. I looked down to examine the jar. Looks like I like the taste of mold. FML

by special-ingredient / 08/01/2009 at 11:41pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, we had a hike at my camp. We hiked in a line. I suddenly felt things hitting me at the back of the head. After a few minutes I finally turn around, only to discover a bunch of older guys throwing tampons at my head. They were my tampons, falling one by one out of my unzipped bag. FML

by Rachel247 / 08/01/2009 at 7:13pm / Israel (HaMerkaz) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was holding my baby daughter during a checkup. To reassure her, I was kissing the back of her head while the Dr. was checking her hearing. After a few minutes, I realized the Dr. had put his hand to steady her head. I was kissing his hand. FML

by smoochie / 08/01/2009 at 5:37pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I got pulled over for the first time since I got my license. I have disorganized speech and occasional inappropriate emotional response. I began to laugh due to nervousness and when I tried to explain why, I was arrested because he thought I was high. FML

by Jesse / 08/01/2009 at 3:24pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking in the mountains when I tripped, I grabbed onto the fence in an attempt to soften my fall. The fence was electric. FML

by Electronotfriend / 08/01/2009 at 12:49pm / Poland (Pomorskie) / Miscellaneous

Today, my Dad sent me an e-mail wishing me a "Happy 21st Birthday, sweetheart!" The message went on and on about how much he loves and misses me and wishes we were closer, and can't believe how fast I'm growing up. I'm 23 and my birthday is in December. FML

by Anonymous / 08/01/2009 at 9:06am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the mall and saw a really cute guy. I acted all cool and started doing a sexy hair flip. On the way back up from my hair flip I hit my head on a cellphone stand. FML

by Anonymous / 08/01/2009 at 8:56am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was wearing a skirt, and running towards a closing elevator, making it just in time. As soon as I ran in, my pad fell out of my underwear and onto the floor. There were 6 other people in the elevator. I picked it up before I realized I had nowhere to put it, so I held it. For 18 floors. FML

by Alice / 08/01/2009 at 4:15am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous