Today, I was going on a first date with a girl I really like. We were going to see the new Harry Potter movie, and she told me she was getting all dressed up. It was only after I picked her up I realized she meant that she was dressing nicely. I was dressed as Harry Potter. FML

by harrysolo / 07/18/2009 at 9:26pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I used a public bathroom. I hung my purse up on the hook on the door. Two minutes later, a hand reaches over the door and steals my purse. I got robbed while taking a crap. FML

by xobeachbabi428ox / 07/18/2009 at 6:32pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I proudly informed my boyfriend that I am now a size 4, down from an 18, after months of dieting and exercising after he told me he would like me to be a size 6. He broke up with me for "not listening to what he wanted" and "being an overachiever". FML

by overachiever / 07/18/2009 at 5:35pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was out to dinner with a friend. When the bill came with a customer satisfaction survey, I put honestly that the "server friendliness" was "below average." Ten minutes later, I had to return to the restaurant to beg the waitress for my keys, which I had left on the table. FML

by lemonadedisguise / 07/18/2009 at 1:14pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my driver's license was suspended last year for a DUI ticket that wasn't paid. Apparently, someone had used my identity info to avoid the ticket on their record. The cops showed me the guy's picture taken when he was arrested. It was my brother. FML

by nicefamily / 07/18/2009 at 8:45am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, after my son's new friend spent the night, I commented on how his hair had such a straight line in it from one ear to the other. I joked about how he must have fallen asleep with headphones on, or had bad hat hair. He informed me it was a scar from brain surgery he had when he was younger. FML

by insertfoothere / 07/18/2009 at 7:26am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up feeling a tingling sensation on my testicles. I enjoyed it for a few seconds, then threw off the covers. Looks like there have been cockroaches in my bed. FML

by fartypeepee / 07/18/2009 at 6:48am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous

Today, after a night of partying, I woke up in the middle of my co-ed dorm lobby to the sound of giggles. I was in a thong with $1 monopoly bills sticking out. I'm a guy. FML

by joedoe / 07/18/2009 at 2:03am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my brother replaced my cologne with whiskey. I have a job interview and I smell like a drunk. FML

by tukker / 07/17/2009 at 7:14pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking down the street and while stopped at a light, this old man waved at me. Thinking nothing of it, I walked through a parking lot to get to where I was going, where he not only followed me, but mistook me for a prostitute. It was 5pm. FML

by ohman / 07/17/2009 at 1:29pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was going to check out my secret condom stash. When I looked inside, I found a note. The note read: "Thanks hun, I really needed this. Love, Mom". FML

Today, I was getting a haircut. I had my foils in for about 10 minutes when the fire alarm went off. The building then started to fill with smoke and we evacuated. While outside watching the fire being put out, I forgot about my foils. I now have bright bleached yellow and orange hair. FML

by 1danzo1 / 07/17/2009 at 6:12am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a softball tournament which also landed on my birthday. My dad had to leave town for work, so he left me a card on my night stand. Instead of a happy birthday, all it said was 'Don't mess up the game for everyone'. FML

by msj137 / 07/17/2009 at 3:25am / United States / Miscellaneous