Today, I decided to go get my hair cut because it was getting a bit long. I told the lady that I wanted it way short and she replied "Why? You will look like a guy sweetie." I am a guy. FML

by theboywithlonghair / 09/09/2009 at 12:24am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, for the first time ever, while I was driving I ran over a squirrel. It was in front of three little girls at their lemonade stand. FML

by Anonymous / 09/09/2009 at 12:23am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I played a goth character in my friend's student film with goth clothes, lip ring, eyeliner, etc. We went into Starbucks at break and an elderly man came up to me and said "Your kind is the reason for all the bad stuff in this world" and then spat in my $5 drink. FML

by comet5002 / 09/09/2009 at 12:15am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my ex bought a digital camera, an iPod, and a large flat-screen TV, all purchased with the alimony I'm paying him. FML

by Goodie / 09/09/2009 at 12:13am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I washed one of my roommates t-shirts. I forgot to remove it before putting it in the dryer, and all the print on the front melted off. It was a gift from his girlfriend. Who has just passed away. FML

by whyme27 / 09/08/2009 at 10:41pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that the shorts I have been wearing all day say "Juicy" on the ass. My name is John. FML

by JuicyJohn / 09/08/2009 at 9:33pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent all day at the hospital with my grandma for some tests. When I drove her back home she decided to thank me with $50. Knowing she is unemployed, I told her I couldn't take a whole $50. She replied with "Ungrateful, just like your mother", then took the money and left. FML

by Anonymous / 09/08/2009 at 9:22pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was doing laundry at college. There was a pile of clothes sitting on top of a dryer, but the dryer was empty so I used it. I came back to a note saying, "Don't touch my laundry, asshole" and a dryer filled with urine soaked laundry. FML

by easrc / 09/08/2009 at 7:42pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, in Chem, I was chosen to hold the fire extinguisher just in case something happened while showing how to blow up a dangerous chemical. My teacher told me to spray if anything got out of control. He lit the fire and I freaked out and sprayed it. The entire wing of my school was evacuted. FML

by firefighter / 09/08/2009 at 6:10pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I switched from a pediatrician to an adult doctor. The guy was really persistant about a few personal questions. Then he brought my parents in the room and told them that I have an abnormally small penis and what remedies he knows of to fix it. FML

by dude5028 / 09/08/2009 at 5:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was listening to my iPod while changing the diaper on my baby. One earbud fell out of my ear and onto the changing table so I quickly picked it up without looking and put it back in my ear, only to realize the headphone had fallen onto more than a table. I now have brown earphones. FML

by NoMoreHeadphones / 09/08/2009 at 3:32pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was riding on the Moscow metro. My friend and I were joking around in English about taking a nap on the nerdy business man next to me. As we laughed and made comments about him, which we thought he couldn't understand, he asked, "First time in Moscow?" FML

by HotToTrotskyite / 09/08/2009 at 1:30pm / Russian Federation (Moscow City) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a blind double date. My date was drunk before I got there. He kept getting my name wrong, and ended up spilling a glass of red wine down the front of my dress. FML

by Chaznuts / 09/08/2009 at 2:22am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous