Today, I was at the mall in a store looking at movie posters. I turned around and suddenly saw a creepy guy smiling at me, holding his arms out wide. I screamed "holy shit!" really loudly, causing everyone to stop and stare at me funny. Then I realized the creepy man was a cardboard cutout. FML

by becca1417 / 09/01/2009 at 6:21pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received a text message from my favorite sister saying "Great news! The technology in condoms has improved so much that they ensure that accidents like you won't ever happen again!" Today's my birthday. FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2009 at 3:19pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, someone broke my car's left side mirror. A friend of mine was buying a replacement one and texted me to confirm which one I needed. He asked: "It's the driver's side, right?" To which I replied: "Right". I got the wrong mirror. FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2009 at 12:25pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. After hundreds passive aggressive comments, my boyfriend and I went into the kitchen. I started complaining to him about how his parents were horrible and mean. Little did I know, his parents had followed us in and were right behind me. FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2009 at 11:18am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in an unfamiliar building on campus and I needed to use the bathroom before class started. I walked in and saw a man at the sink. I said "Oh my god I'm sorry! I thought this was the women's washroom." It was. The very butch looking woman gave me a look of death. FML

by Cherie / 08/31/2009 at 5:18pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, while emailing my very young, attractive teacher to ask a question, my hand slipped. Too bad you can't unsend emails that say "Can we meet after school some time? I have some thongs I'd like to discuss with you." FML

by Anonymous / 08/31/2009 at 4:38pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at my only sister's wedding. She gave a speech about the person who means the most to her. She said, "She is my favorite sister who has always been there for me." Being her only sister, I got up to hug her. Turns out she was talking about her slutty sorority sister. Not me. FML

by ohsugarxo / 08/31/2009 at 1:21pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend got a babysitter for the kids and told me she was taking me to a party. My son told me his band was playing at a party. I will be 40 tomorrow, so I thought this would be the best surprise birthday party ever. It WAS a surprise birthday party – for a friend of ours. FML

by kelkline / 08/31/2009 at 12:45pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was taking a piss in a port-o-john and thought it would be a good idea to aim at a bee I saw buzzing around. The bee thought it would be a better idea to sting me on the knob. FML

by Bee / 08/31/2009 at 12:28pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received official notification that my license was being suspended for multiple DUIs. Apparently, my brother is a drunk and has been using my ID. FML

by Notabum / 08/31/2009 at 12:30am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was strolling past an old women when from behind she called "can you help me get the rest of the groceries out of the car?" I approached the car, and helped her un-load bags. She began hitting me, screaming "SOMEONE IS STEALING MY THINGS". She was actually asking her son in the car. FML

by LGFLIPSTER / 08/30/2009 at 11:32pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to meet with my landlord to organise when he was coming to look at my flat and decide whether I get my deposit back. In the time it took to see him, my friend drank a bottle of vodka and vomited all over my room and knocked the window through. My landlord is coming in the morning. FML

by Robbins / 08/30/2009 at 10:51pm / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at my favorite Mexican restaurant when I realized my really cute waiter, along with his buddies kept looking at me and smiling. Trying to be cool, I took a bite of my burrito, choked, and spilled ground beef down my new shirt and in my bra. They laughed the whole time. FML

by pootythe5th / 08/30/2009 at 2:09pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous