Today, I woke up suddenly with giant bugs biting my legs. I screamed, ripped the blanket off the bed and bolted to the bathroom to recover. Turns out it was all a dream, and the person who needed to recover most was my shell-shocked boyfriend who had been sleeping soundly beside me. Sorry, babe. FML

by sweetdreams / 09/18/2016 at 2:39am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my mom sleeps in my room when I'm at college during the week. I discovered this my bumping into her dildo with my foot. FML

by tracy4191 / 09/18/2016 at 1:21am / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I wanted to take a nap after cleaning my apartment, so I put the trash outside the front door and put a note on the door for my roommate, saying, "Please take the trash out when you leave for work." When I woke up, the note was gone but the trash was still there. FML

by somnolence / 09/17/2016 at 5:20pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was my 21st birthday and I invited a handful of my best friends over. They all stood me up and I drank alone in my apartment. Happy birthday to me. FML

by Aeare_ / 09/17/2016 at 12:15am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, they opened a new firing range behind my housing block. No big deal, except they are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. FML

by ItnHmn / 09/16/2016 at 3:58pm / United States (Armed Forces Europe, Middle East) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I took my wife to a country concert for her birthday, even though I can't stand country. While she had the time of her life, I was punched twice, had a beer dropped on me, and had a rather large, drunk woman fall on me. Happy birthday, baby. FML

by Senseless_487 / 09/16/2016 at 2:29pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and panicked because I couldn't find my blankie. I'll be 36 in a month. FML

by bigbaby / 09/16/2016 at 3:06am / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, a cute guy complimented me on my legs. I, being the awkward person that I am, panicked and replied, "Thanks, I grew them myself." FML

by Randomspaghetti / 09/15/2016 at 5:11pm / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend and her mother bought a hanger for my $2000 guitar as a birthday present. They wanted to surprise me by hanging it on the wall. They screwed it upside down, so before I came home it fell off and my guitar broke. FML

by nicrus / 09/15/2016 at 4:13pm / Norway / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my birthday. The only gift I got was a book on the history of cancers. Not the illness, the zodiac sign. I'm a Virgo. I don't even like astrology. FML

by stupidpplsuck / 09/15/2016 at 4:41am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I was afraid that one of their many cats would pee on me. I was peed on all right, by my grandma. FML

by Anonymous / 09/14/2016 at 8:35pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that apparently the pipes for my toilet were never connected, so anything you flush just falls out onto the basement floor downstairs. I've lived here 4 years. FML

by Loose Ends / 09/14/2016 at 7:48pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I pushed my spinning clothesline around and walked off like a badass. A loose wire then whipped around the back of my head and caught me in the eye. I'm just so badass. FML

by Drom / 09/14/2016 at 8:20am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous