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your_ma's favorite FMLs
Today, it was my birthday. My girlfriend took me out to dinner. While at the restaurant, she went to the bathroom. She was then escorted out of the restaurant for having sex in said bathroom. I was sitting at our booth the entire time. FML
by turriblebday / 12/17/2009 at 10:35am / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy
Today, while taking a shower, I saw shadows moving across the curtains. The shadow turned out to be a cricket that then fell into the tub. I ran out of the bathroom screaming and naked. My little sister came to my door and said, "If I hadn't just seen your balls, I would swear mom had TWO daughters." FML
by Anonymous / 12/11/2009 at 8:03pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was pulling into a parking garage space and using the next car over to judge where the wall was in front of me, but ended up whumping my front bumper as I pulled forward. Wondering what had happened, I got out to see that the car I was aligning myself against had hit the wall too. FML
by Anonymous / 12/11/2009 at 12:12am / United States (Maryland) / Transportation
Today, during a review session for a botany class, I began to space out. Then, I started to go, "beep, beep, beep, beep." I stopped when I noticed the entire class staring at me as if I were insane. This was not the first time this had happened. FML
by Anonymous / 12/10/2009 at 4:29am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I realized I've lived alone too long. I read 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' to my cat. I used expression in my voice, and I made sure he could see the pictures. My son called, and I told him about it. He gave me the number for the local psychiatric ward. FML
by JC / 12/05/2009 at 11:30pm / United States (Iowa) / Animals
by PhDdaughter / 12/04/2009 at 5:16am / Switzerland (Fribourg) / Kids
Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML
by anonymous / 12/03/2009 at 1:55am / United States (Georgia) / Kids
by Jen / 12/01/2009 at 12:25pm / United States (Virginia) / Work
by Anonymous / 11/30/2009 at 3:35pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
Today, I learned that when someone says "I know what you did" it's better not to confess right away, because sometimes they could be talking about leaving the computer on all night, and not talking about giving the family dog away and telling everyone it ran away. FML
by Anonymous / 11/27/2009 at 9:13am / United States (New Jersey) / Animals
Today, I received two letters, one from my mom, other from my dad, about how much they missed me with me not being around them. I called my mom, feeling sad. She didn't sound sad at all. She asked me which letter was better. My parents were competing each other which letter would be more moving. FML
by ssjin93 / 11/23/2009 at 7:07pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love
by denise / 11/23/2009 at 12:07am / United States (Connecticut) / Intimacy
Today, my ex decided he wanted to start calling me "Pup." I jokingly said "Please! Call me anything but that! Sausage face even! Just anything but that!" Later, we went bowling with a large group of friends. He put my name in the board as "Sausage Face." Everyone agreed it will be my new name. FML
by firefliiez / 11/15/2009 at 1:46pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by Molly / 11/14/2009 at 2:48pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
Today, I found out that my mother cheated on my father. It turns out she had a drunken one night stand with the manager of the restaurant that my parents own and that I work at. The same manager I have been secretly sleeping with for over six months. FML
by Anonymous / 11/12/2009 at 1:27am / United States (Montana) / Intimacy
- Today, I walked in on my mom showing her friends that she can deepthroat a banana. That's something… Today, I told my boyfriend that since I lost my job I can't afford a Christmas present for him, or… Today, my boss made me some tortellini for lunch. As I was happily eating it, he started to give me…