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xxsakuraxx's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 02/22/2015 at 11:09am / Canada (Ontario) / Health
Today, my husband again lost his keys. It's a daily struggle to find them. This time they were in an ice cube, literally. He said he must have accidentally put them in there when making ice. He's going to be the father of my future children. FML
by wife / 02/21/2015 at 10:47pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet on her own. That is, until her older sister showed her the South Park episode where someone gets their intestines sucked out by flushing the toilet. Now she won't go anywhere near the bathroom. FML
by Investing in Toilet Seatbelts / 02/14/2015 at 4:46am / United States (Nevada) / Kids
Today, while watching a clip of the show "16 and Pregnant" on YouTube in my room, my mom yelled from the kitchen that dinner was ready. Without skipping a beat, I yelled back, "I'm pregnant!" I'm a guy. FML
by TheKingKen / 02/13/2015 at 3:40am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous
by SDCore / 02/11/2015 at 7:40pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous
Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML
by assholedad / 02/11/2015 at 4:00pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, my fiancée told me about her new diet. Apparently, she is only going to drink water and tan in a tanning bed so she can photosynthesise. She thinks this will help her lose weight, since she doesn't have to eat anything. I'm dating a dumbass. FML
by lucas90 / 02/04/2015 at 4:42pm / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Love
Today, at work, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head on my cash register. A second later, I heard roaring laughter from the security room, followed by someone saying to play it back. I'd almost convinced myself it wasn't about me, when one of the guys came out and gave me a thumb up. FML
by Grrrreat / 02/04/2015 at 10:16am / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Intimacy
Today, my science teacher decided not to recommend me for an honors science class for next year. The reason? Last week, I made the mistake of asking whether spray tans give vitamins in the same way as the sun. FML
by Anonymous / 02/03/2015 at 10:53pm / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous
Today, I shaved for the first time. My mum gave me a razor and I spent about 20 minutes trying to use it. I gave up, yelling, "FUCK IT!" and put it back on the shelf. It fell, and as it hit the floor, a lid fell off. I'd tried to shave with a sheathed razor for 20 minutes. FML
by februarymarchapril / 02/03/2015 at 10:45pm / United States (Texas) / Health
by FrustratedTutor / 02/03/2015 at 10:39pm / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous
by wtfdaughter / 02/03/2015 at 11:59am / Brazil (Pernambuco) / Kids
Today, as I passed by the window that looks out on to my front yard, I saw a man out there so I ran to the kitchen to call the police. The operator asked me to describe the man. It was then that I realized the mysterious man in my yard was the snowman I built yesterday. FML
by anon / 02/03/2015 at 2:50am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous
Today, I felt a painful lump on my jaw. After going on Google, I was convinced I either had an infected tooth or jaw cancer. In a panic, I rushed to the dentist and told the receptionist the problem. She pulled the dentist from an appointment, and he felt around my jaw. It was just a pimple. FML
by not a cancerous pimple / 01/30/2015 at 7:11pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health
- 1Today, it's been six months since my husband and I have miscarried our daughter who we named Hana… 2Today, I discovered, after years of being grounded for losing my belongings, that I didn't actually… 3Today, eight tornados hit the town where I live. The only person who tried to get a hold of me and…