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xxsakuraxx's favorite FMLs
Today, at a big family dinner, my dad said, "Pfff, gays don't have it hard at all. The things a guy has to do for sex with a girl? Crazy. All a gay guy has to do for sex is become an altar boy!" My husband's side of the family is very religious, and all hell quickly broke loose. FML
by killme / 03/07/2015 at 1:42pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 03/05/2015 at 10:19pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML
by actually just constipated.. and stupid / 03/04/2015 at 10:03am / Tunisia / Health
Today, while cleaning my son's room, I found an envelope labelled "PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL" under his bed. I opened it, only to find it was a glitter bomb. I couldn't get it all cleaned off myself before he got home. He just said "HAH! Serves you right!" and went to his room smirking. FML
by Anonymous / 02/28/2015 at 1:11pm / United States (Oregon) / Kids
by FreshDonuts / 02/28/2015 at 12:03am / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy
Today, I was doing laundry, so I decided to wash my cat's blanket. He chased me down the stairs into the basement, and I slightly closed the door behind me so he wouldn't follow me. He pushed the door shut, which automatically locks. I was trapped down there for 3 hours until my mom came home. FML
by jynxisadouchebag / 02/26/2015 at 7:08pm / United States (California) / Animals
by frediqqq / 02/25/2015 at 11:21pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous
by failuretolaunch2 / 02/25/2015 at 10:31pm / United States / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 02/22/2015 at 11:09am / Canada (Ontario) / Health
Today, my husband again lost his keys. It's a daily struggle to find them. This time they were in an ice cube, literally. He said he must have accidentally put them in there when making ice. He's going to be the father of my future children. FML
by wife / 02/21/2015 at 10:47pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet on her own. That is, until her older sister showed her the South Park episode where someone gets their intestines sucked out by flushing the toilet. Now she won't go anywhere near the bathroom. FML
by Investing in Toilet Seatbelts / 02/14/2015 at 4:46am / United States (Nevada) / Kids
Today, while watching a clip of the show "16 and Pregnant" on YouTube in my room, my mom yelled from the kitchen that dinner was ready. Without skipping a beat, I yelled back, "I'm pregnant!" I'm a guy. FML
by TheKingKen / 02/13/2015 at 3:40am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous
by SDCore / 02/11/2015 at 7:40pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous
Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML
by assholedad / 02/11/2015 at 4:00pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, my fiancée told me about her new diet. Apparently, she is only going to drink water and tan in a tanning bed so she can photosynthesise. She thinks this will help her lose weight, since she doesn't have to eat anything. I'm dating a dumbass. FML
by lucas90 / 02/04/2015 at 4:42pm / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Love
- Today, I’m in Sweden. This morning, I went out to get the mail in my pajamas. Well, it doesn’t only… Today, I was driving in a straight line on a completely deserted road in the open bush. I sneezed… Today, I’m in Thailand and I met a monk. The conversation was so deep and interesting that, without…