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xninix's FML badges
One more and it's business time
You've received 68 likes on your profile. Kinky.
I never take things to heart
Having said that, my 3 comments on that FML were really worth it.
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xninix's favorite FMLs
Today, upon my arrival at work, I was greeted by 2 police officers, 2 managers, my coworker, and a meth-head in my office. They quickly told me that the meth-head was wearing stolen merchandise under her clothes, then left me alone with her, saying I had to watch her undress. FML
by Undercover_Agent / 05/25/2016 at 2:04am / United States (Iowa) / Work
by neilmalik / 10/21/2015 at 7:18am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML
by Gassy / 09/21/2015 at 10:45am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous
Today, I walked face first into a near-invisible spiderweb. There's nothing worse than the feeling of a spider web wrapped around your face. Except maybe the feeling of the spider that saw my screaming mouth as a good hiding spot. FML
by spiderlady / 09/20/2015 at 11:00pm / United States / Animals
Today, I baked some brownies and after my mom ate one, I joked that I put weed in them. Turns out the placebo effect's a bitch, because she quickly started acting high as a kite. One bitch fit later, the brownies are in the trash and I'm grounded until I tell her where I bought the "weed". FML
by mother teresa was a cunt / 09/17/2015 at 10:54am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
Today, my coworker said that she suddenly got the shivers. I jokingly told her that it meant she must be being watched by a dead person and made stupid ghost noises. She then told me it was the anniversary of her dad's death and burst into tears. FML
by pinecones / 02/02/2015 at 9:25am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous
Today, I had a one night stand. After holding in my farts all night as is done, I decided enough was enough and to calmly let one slip out. One did not calmly slip out instead I shit myself in her bed. I was naked at the time so was unable to hide it. FML
by Anonymous / 01/29/2015 at 4:17pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Intimacy
Today, I'm a ticket inspector on a train. A suspiciously-acting guy of about 30 gets on board with two huge bags. Worried, I keep an eye on him. I wasn't disappointed when he got 5 furry toys out of his bags and started to have a conversation with them. FML
by BilletsDoudous / 01/15/2015 at 1:51am / France / Work
by myboyfriendisweird / 01/04/2015 at 9:50pm / United States (Arizona) / Love
by TimJack18 / 01/04/2015 at 6:14pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love
Today, my friends and I were talking about our celebrity lookalikes. We decided that my friends all had attractive celebrity lookalikes, including Scarlett Johansson and Hayden Panettiere. When it was my turn, they decided that my "celebrity" lookalike is the Pillsbury Doughboy. FML
by KD / 01/04/2015 at 4:53pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I learned that my mother has been telling people that I need anger management. I'm not attending anger management, I'm attending therapy to aid in my recovery from abusive relationships. She doesn't understand the difference or why I find it upsetting. FML
by thxmom / 01/04/2015 at 12:25pm / United States (Utah) / Health
by Malina / 01/03/2015 at 8:42pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Animals
Today, my step-dad explained to me why he doesn't need to wash his body. He condescendingly said, "Well when you shampoo your hair, the soap runs down your body and cleans everything." He's 37 years old. FML
by Chicagoillinois / 01/03/2015 at 4:16pm / United States (California) / Health