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xfireds

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xfireds

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Visits<b>Noah98</b> - the 06/10/2014 at 11:48am<b>artsyphan</b> - the 05/13/2014 at 1:03pm<b>carOLinneeeeeee</b> - the 03/28/2014 at 3:37am<b>ZY1431</b> - the 03/03/2014 at 2:18pm

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xfireds's favorite FMLs

Today, while cleaning my son's room, I found an envelope labelled "PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL" under his bed. I opened it, only to find it was a glitter bomb. I couldn't get it all cleaned off myself before he got home. He just said "HAH! Serves you right!" and went to his room smirking. FML

#21365242
192 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12300) - you deserved it (37559)

On 02/28/2015 at 1:11pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I found out my son likes to pee in the shower. He stated, "It's okay because dad pees in the sink!" I'm living with a bunch of bears. FML

#21363816
169 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28534) - you deserved it (4437)

On 02/26/2015 at 6:24am - kids - by showerlover (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, a guy attacked me and tried to steal my bag. I tried to defend myself by biting him as hard as I could. I then woke up to my husband screaming in pain. FML

#21360466
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32131) - you deserved it (3885)

On 02/21/2015 at 3:28pm - misc - by poncho55 (woman) -

Today, I got the most tear-jerking comment so far about my severe stutter. While I was talking to my neighbor, his little brother interrupted and asked me if I was possessed by a demon. FML

Today, I found a phone in a fitting room. I called the number that said "home" to let the owner know that I was going to give it to the store's manager. Apparently the husband didn't know his wife was out shopping and "blowing all his earnings". FML

#21359482
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27714) - you deserved it (2223)

On 02/19/2015 at 10:16pm - money - by Enslaved (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I was on my way to work when my ex-wife drove past me in the car she got from me. She fucked me over so hard in the divorce that I have to ride my bike to work while wearing a full suit. FML

#21359275
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37491) - you deserved it (3282)

On 02/19/2015 at 3:45pm - money - by D: - United States (Colorado)

Today, my roommate let out a blood-curdling scream in the bathroom. I ran in to see what was going on, only to find her sitting on the toilet, topless. Turned out she'd tried to pierce her own tit using a clothespin and a needle. FML

#21356659
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32741) - you deserved it (2693)

On 02/15/2015 at 12:57pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Denmark

Today, it's been about a week since my boyfriend started his new medication, which has essentially killed any sex drive he had. It has also been about two weeks since I stopped mine, making me hornier than ever. FML

#21352626
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33537) - you deserved it (3481)

On 02/09/2015 at 8:32am - intimacy - by myself - United States

Today, I was awoken by the sound of my pet lizard eating my other pet lizard. FML

Today, my fiancée told me about her new diet. Apparently, she is only going to drink water and tan in a tanning bed so she can photosynthesise. She thinks this will help her lose weight, since she doesn't have to eat anything. I'm dating a dumbass. FML

Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML

#21347104
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26938) - you deserved it (2593)

On 01/31/2015 at 12:38am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I asked my friend to download Frozen for me, because my mom wanted to play it for family movie night. The movie was shit, but it got even worse halfway through, when it cut to hardcore porn and a text bar saying "umad?" Now I'm grounded, and my "friend" is a legend for his prank. FML

#21346882
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29915) - you deserved it (5196)

On 01/30/2015 at 4:15pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I had a one night stand. After holding in my farts all night as is done, I decided enough was enough and to calmly let one slip out. One did not calmly slip out instead I shit myself in her bed. I was naked at the time so was unable to hide it. FML

#21346279
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29098) - you deserved it (12865)

On 01/29/2015 at 4:17pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (London, City of)

Today, I realized why you should never wear a thong under yoga pants that are a couple of sizes too small. It's a weird thing, seeing your co-workers anus. FML

#21344664
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24034) - you deserved it (2483)

On 01/26/2015 at 6:24pm - misc - by Anonymous - Sweden (Stockholms Lan)

Today, during a family game of basketball, my 15 year old son shoved me hard to get the ball. I fell and cut my arm badly on the ground. I yelled at him for being an idiot. He replied "Oh jeez, a bleeding woman being a bitch, what a fucking shocker." My husband doubled over laughing. FML

#21342921
261 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38115) - you deserved it (6706)

On 01/23/2015 at 2:25pm - kids - by nosexforthee (woman) - United States (Texas)



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