About wastedpenguin : If you message me you better be an asshole cuz that's probably the only way you'll be able to tolerate me
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wastedpenguin's favorite FMLs
Today, one of my coworkers tried to convince me to be a model for his "foot fetish parties". I politely declined, just as I had the day before, and the day before that. This will probably continue every day, since our schedules are nearly identical. FML
by kindasortayeah / 10/04/2015 at 9:26pm / United States (New York) / Work
by Anonymous / 08/31/2014 at 10:18pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, as I was driving, a massive cockroach clicked its way across my windshield. I pulled over to fling it out the window, but it spread its wings and flew around like a hook-armed stabbing machine. I lost it in the dark car and now I can't find it. It's going to be a long drive home. FML
by Baustigt / 08/06/2014 at 9:34am / Australia / Animals
Today, I heard my husband say from outside, "Seriously Dan, what could go wrong?" This was followed a few seconds later by a bang and screaming. Turns out he'd tried to smash his head through a wooden plank like a martial artist and failed. He ended up with splinters and a concussion. FML
by Anonymous / 06/21/2014 at 11:15am / United States (Colorado) / Health
Today, my mom found out that I've been having counselling behind her back for the past 4 years. I broke down in tears explaining everything. Her response was, "So you go and bitch about me behind my back?!" And she wonders why I'm depressed. FML
by Anonymous / 06/14/2014 at 6:11am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 06/09/2014 at 5:20pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work
Today, I was playing some soccer with my buddies, when a kid came over, yelled "CUP CHECK!" and nailed me in the nuts then ran away laughing. Millions of my unborn children died in agony. All his fatass mom did was chuckle nervously and pat her satan-spawn on the head. FML
by wish his dad had worn one / 06/07/2014 at 5:16pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health
Today, my mother-in-law confessed that for the longest time, she had fantasies about killing me for "ruining" her daughter's life, basically because I'm not wealthy enough for my mother-in-law's standards. She made sure to let me know the situation hasn't changed at all. FML
by Anonymous / 06/04/2014 at 10:34am / United Kingdom (Lancashire) / Love
by Mem / 05/30/2014 at 4:07pm / Sweden (Gavleborgs Lan) / Miscellaneous
Today, after living in my apartment for nearly a year, I heard my neighbor having a violent toilet session. Now I realize he's always been able to hear the wrath of my bowels too. We wave at each other every day. FML
by toilet_trouble / 04/19/2014 at 3:44am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, after months of busting our asses and working round the clock on our latest project, I and the whole office just got bad news: when our boss promised extremely generous bonuses for doing all this, he was point-blank lying, and intended to take credit for our work all along. FML
by Anonymous / 04/11/2014 at 7:16pm / United States (California) / Work
Today, a girl and I were flirting and it was going well. Feeling bold, I asked what she would do if I kissed her. She smiled flirtatiously and said "Why don't you try it and find out?" I went in for a kiss, and she slapped me. FML
by smooth / 11/21/2013 at 11:10am / United States / Miscellaneous
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