About victus : Hmmm.. well, I like elephants, am an avid runner, and live a rather boring life. Not much else to say, if you have any questions feel free to ask!
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victus's favorite FMLs
by 2ndgenoration / 05/17/2014 at 5:56pm / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous
Today, I finally figured out why I've been getting diarrhea so often over the past six months. It only happens whenever I do something "sneaky". My body reacts strongly to how I stress over potentially getting caught. I'm a private investigator, and I apparently need a new career. FML
by screwed / 02/10/2013 at 5:41am / United States / Work
Today, I came home from a two-week vacation. When I walked into my house, I found cat poop everywhere. It took me several hours to clean it all up, and the house still smells terrible. The worst part is that I've never owned a cat in my life. FML
by Anonymous / 02/09/2013 at 8:39pm / United States (Georgia) / Holidays
Today, during my first day as a medical intern in a new ward, I was performing a rectal exam. My supervisor thought it would be funny to burst into the room and scream, "Who are you?! You don't even work here, you pervert!" FML
Today, I took my new girlfriend to meet my grandmother. We were drinking coffee when my gran leaned to one side and let out a huge fart. Proud of herself, she added, "That one didn't pay his rent on time!" Coffee came out of my girlfriend's nose. FML
by jay ze punk / 01/29/2013 at 2:56pm / France (Rhone-Alpes) / Love
Today, I was trying on some shoes. As I was bending down, an old lady with a walking frame slowly approached. As she got close she whispered to me "Mmm, you've got a nice tushie." My girlfriend will not let me hear the end of it. FML
by Creeped out / 01/28/2013 at 3:14am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous
Today, my friend set me up on a blind date, to get my mind off having been recently broken up with. The guy was perfect: tall, muscular, handsome. But while we were watching a movie, I saw him dig around in his nose, then wipe his finger on my pants. FML
by Stickysituation / 01/23/2013 at 1:44pm / United States (New York) / Love
Today, I finally got to conduct my first questioning of a suspect, who had been arrested in connection with a car theft. As I recited the Miranda warning to him, my mind went totally blank, and after a few seconds, he sarcastically continued the speech for me. FML
by Anonymous / 01/17/2013 at 12:15pm / United States (Minnesota) / Work
by EmberLove / 01/17/2013 at 9:06am / United States / Love
by Sydney / 01/15/2013 at 6:16pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, at a Christmas party, my crush came up to me and cutely pointed out that I was standing under mistletoe. The only response my stupid brain could think of was, "Probably full of nargles though." He gave me a confused look and walked away. FML
by Rhine / 12/16/2012 at 6:51pm / Barbados (Saint Michael) / Love
Today, on an important call with a potential employer, he began to speak quieter and quieter until I couldn't hear him at all. When I finally hung up after waiting for 5 minutes, I realized that I had been pressing down on the volume button. FML
by jkmartinjk / 11/27/2012 at 11:58pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Work
Today, I had just had a shower, when I noticed that the mix of my shower gel and deodorant smelled like Lynx Dark Temptation. I was happy, as this is my favourite men's deodorant, until I realised I was happily sniffing my own boobs because they smelled like my ex-boyfriend. FML
by ToxxicAngel / 11/27/2012 at 10:35am / United Kingdom (Monmouthshire) / Love
Today, I went to see a movie with three of my friends, and I was sharing popcorn with one of them. Halfway through the movie, my friend asked me why I wasn't eating our popcorn. I then realised I'd been taking popcorn from the man sitting next to me. FML
by mm / 11/12/2012 at 12:27pm / United Kingdom (Warrington) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 11/01/2012 at 12:24am / United States (New Mexico) / Love
- 1Today, my boyfriend presented me with a 30-minute montage video of him working out and flexing his… 2Today, my boyfriend finally told me that he loved me. This would've been fantastic if he didn't say… 3Today, it's been 2 weeks since I ordered a printer so I could print schoolwork, that way I don't…