About torio123 : don't touch me
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torio123's favorite FMLs
Today, I heard my dad screaming in the hallway. Thinking he was having a heart attack I ran to the hall without looking where I was going. I slipped and slid towards my dad in what turned out to be a mass quantity of diarrhea from one of my two dogs. He was screaming because he stepped in it. FML
by poopEVERYWHERE / 09/18/2009 at 10:27am / United States (Illinois) / Animals
by diplomaless / 09/14/2009 at 2:58pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 08/06/2009 at 7:11am / United States (California) / Animals
Today, it was just too hot. I stripped down and, being home alone, pranced around nude, lip synching and playing air guitar to some music. I was getting really into when I opened my eyes and looked out the window to see an old man with binoculars on his terrace. He wasn't birdwatching. FML
by PeepShow / 08/06/2009 at 2:04am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was at walmart when my stomach began to hurt. I quickly waddled to the restroom in pain. As soon as I got in the stall, a huge crap exploded out of me. The child in the stall next to me started crying. When her mom asked what was wrong she said that I'd "killed her nose". FML
by poopshooter101 / 06/30/2009 at 7:53am / United States (Georgia) / Health
Today, I was at the mall with my boyfriend and 2 friends. My uncle passed by me in the mall. He said "What are you baby-sitting or something?" He pointed to the merry-go-round. My boyfriend was sitting on the giraffe yelling at the top of his lungs. FML
by merkris / 06/29/2009 at 11:41am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML
by ....... / 06/23/2009 at 1:56pm / United States (Colorado) / Kids
by Anonymous / 06/07/2009 at 11:53am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, one of my three-year-old twin daughters asked, "Dad, can we get a cat?" I replied in a gentle dad voice, "No, honey, dad is allergic to cats. That means they make him sneeze and sniffle. So we can't get a cat. Sorry." After a slight pause, the other asked, "When you die can we get a cat?" FML
by TwinDad / 05/14/2009 at 11:24am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids
by Iman / 05/04/2009 at 2:12am / United States (California) / Love
Today, I went on somewhat of a blind date. The date was OK until he tried to spoon feed me. This didn't go over so well. Later, I noticed a strange looking brief case he was carrying. I asked him what it was and he whipped out 5 yoyos and did a yoyo show in the middle of the restaurant. FML
by 11321 / 04/22/2009 at 1:24am / United States (Missouri) / Love
by tool / 04/09/2009 at 2:03am / United States (Nevada) / Work
Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML
by Anonymous / 03/28/2009 at 4:18pm / United States (New York) / Love
Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML
by gentileman / 03/16/2009 at 1:11pm / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy
by Noname / 03/10/2009 at 2:52pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy
- 1Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation… 2Today, I was fired for being late to work, even though the only reason I was late was because I had… 3Today, I saw an elderly lady fall over in the street. Nobody bothered to do anything, so I went…