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speedythedino

Offline (the 08/23/2015 at 2:31am) | Search for a member

speedythedino

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speedythedino's favorite FMLs

Today, just to win a bet against my mum that he could make me scream like a bitch, my dad faked his own suicide. He went the whole mile: fake blood everywhere, fake gun, yelling "Goodbye!" and playing a loud gunshot sound effect from his PC, everything. My dad won; my underwear lost. FML

#21339686
175 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39558) - you deserved it (3589)

On 01/18/2015 at 4:58pm - misc - by pissed out pants (man) - United Kingdom

Today, I stumbled across one of my son's English assignments. Apparently, he decided to submit a haiku about how electrical outlets are technically "whores" because they hook up with countless cords for a "charge." I don't know whether to be amused or furious. FML

#21285975
137 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35241) - you deserved it (5179)

On 10/26/2014 at 10:42pm - kids - by MySonThePoet (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for jokingly telling her to get back in the kitchen. After we finally made peace and I told her that I fully respect women, I turned on my stereo. The song's first words? "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." Cue second argument. FML

#21252547
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36106) - you deserved it (17371)

On 09/05/2014 at 5:54pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Arkansas)

Today, I dropped my kid into a crowded wishing fountain instead of a coin. FML

#21235686
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23384) - you deserved it (38276)

On 08/12/2014 at 6:21am - kids - by jake - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I went to a bookstore to get "The Grapes of Wrath". I have a problem with controlling the volume of my voice, so once at the counter, I accidentally said quite loudly, "WHERE ARE THE ANGRY GRAPES?" FML

#21217858
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37879) - you deserved it (12644)

On 07/22/2014 at 11:36pm - misc - by Face fucking palm - United States (Georgia)

Today, I heard my husband say from outside, "Seriously Dan, what could go wrong?" This was followed a few seconds later by a bang and screaming. Turns out he'd tried to smash his head through a wooden plank like a martial artist and failed. He ended up with splinters and a concussion. FML

#21182978
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40506) - you deserved it (4870)

On 06/21/2014 at 11:15am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Colorado)

Today, my roommate's pets conspired against me. "The dog ate my homework" has apparently become too clichéd for them. The new excuses are, "My cat chewed through my laptop power cable" and "the gecko ate my pen drive." FML

#21171341
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43285) - you deserved it (4696)

On 06/11/2014 at 8:00pm - animals - by Anonymous - Canada (Manitoba)

Today, my guide dog sneezed so hard that it slammed its head on the floor and knocked itself out. I have to trust this dog with my life. FML

#21117679
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54196) - you deserved it (4746)

On 04/20/2014 at 12:03am - animals - by Anonymous - United States (Idaho)

Today, my house was robbed. My two 70-pound German Shepherds obeyed me when I told them to attack. They also obeyed the robber when he said, "Sit". FML

#21113538
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55415) - you deserved it (5011)

On 04/15/2014 at 8:08am - animals - by stupiddog (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was waiting at the bus stop and noticed a girl that I played netball with. I ran across the road to meet her and she ran across the car park to meet me. We hugged and looked at each other slowly backing away as we both realised that we didn't know each other. FML

#21083446
158 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46472) - you deserved it (6804)

On 03/10/2014 at 8:26pm - misc - by Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while walking through Wal-Mart I noticed a cute employee. With a sudden burst of confidence, I walked right up to him, intending to ask for his number. Instead, I looked him in the eye and said, "Excuse me sir, how much do you know about bedsheets?" and then ran. FML

#21077619
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41717) - you deserved it (11679)

On 03/04/2014 at 4:06am - love - by booksandshadows (woman) - United States (California)

Today, a customer at work pronounced the word "Asian" as "Ah-See-Awn" when ordering a salad. I wasn't allowed to say anything. FML

#21065187
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34787) - you deserved it (3862)

On 02/19/2014 at 1:24am - work - by PaneraSucks - United States (New Hampshire)

Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get a regular sleeping pattern, I finally fell asleep without the help of medication, only to dream about being chased by an angry seal and singing to Rihanna with a horse. This is probably why I don't sleep. FML

#21049132
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42042) - you deserved it (3884)

On 02/03/2014 at 8:29am - health - by Sleepless (woman) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I watched my father attempt to light a cigar with the stove and end up burning off some hair and eyebrows. He tried to play it cool, said, "Haircuts are too expensive these days anyway." and walked out, his head smoking. This man is a college professor. FML



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