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speedythedino

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speedythedino

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speedythedino's favorite FMLs

Today, my son became convinced that his father cheated and we put the fertilized egg inside me to cover the whole thing up. He won't stop calling me "host mother". FML

#21519206
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21641) - you deserved it (1815)

On 01/25/2016 at 9:09am - kids - by anonymous - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I crashed my car into a bridge, while playing a song with the line, "I crashed my car into a bridge". FML

#21518597
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20115) - you deserved it (5365)

On 01/23/2016 at 3:48pm - misc - by ugh (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I burped in front of my crush. Well, not really in front of him. I turned around mid-burp and noticed him, not knowing anyone was there. The surprise made me scream a little, which only amplified the burp. So I made this mighty belch-turned-scream noise, while maintaining eye contact with him. FML

#21499543
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18554) - you deserved it (2162)

On 12/03/2015 at 12:33am - love - by killmenow - Canada (Nova Scotia)

Today, my 4-year-old twin boys are fighting because they both want to watch the SAME show on Netflix. They don't want the other one to choose, because somehow that invalidates their own choice, even though they both get to watch what they want, which is "Barbie, life in the dream house". FML

#21496646
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22912) - you deserved it (2255)

On 11/25/2015 at 12:13pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Washington)

Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML

#21470966
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29276) - you deserved it (2981)

On 09/21/2015 at 10:45am - misc - by Gassy - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, just to win a bet against my mum that he could make me scream like a bitch, my dad faked his own suicide. He went the whole mile: fake blood everywhere, fake gun, yelling "Goodbye!" and playing a loud gunshot sound effect from his PC, everything. My dad won; my underwear lost. FML

#21339686
176 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41031) - you deserved it (3712)

On 01/18/2015 at 4:58pm - misc - by pissed out pants (man) - United Kingdom

Today, I stumbled across one of my son's English assignments. Apparently, he decided to submit a haiku about how electrical outlets are technically "whores" because they hook up with countless cords for a "charge." I don't know whether to be amused or furious. FML

#21285975
137 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36132) - you deserved it (5269)

On 10/26/2014 at 10:42pm - kids - by MySonThePoet (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for jokingly telling her to get back in the kitchen. After we finally made peace and I told her that I fully respect women, I turned on my stereo. The song's first words? "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." Cue second argument. FML

#21252547
45 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38073) - you deserved it (18398)

On 09/05/2014 at 5:54pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Arkansas)

Today, I dropped my kid into a crowded wishing fountain instead of a coin. FML

#21235686
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23859) - you deserved it (39091)

On 08/12/2014 at 6:21am - kids - by jake - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I went to a bookstore to get "The Grapes of Wrath". I have a problem with controlling the volume of my voice, so once at the counter, I accidentally said quite loudly, "WHERE ARE THE ANGRY GRAPES?" FML

#21217858
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38675) - you deserved it (12906)

On 07/22/2014 at 11:36pm - misc - by Face fucking palm - United States (Georgia)

Today, I heard my husband say from outside, "Seriously Dan, what could go wrong?" This was followed a few seconds later by a bang and screaming. Turns out he'd tried to smash his head through a wooden plank like a martial artist and failed. He ended up with splinters and a concussion. FML

#21182978
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43194) - you deserved it (5125)

On 06/21/2014 at 11:15am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Colorado)

Today, my roommate's pets conspired against me. "The dog ate my homework" has apparently become too clichéd for them. The new excuses are, "My cat chewed through my laptop power cable" and "the gecko ate my pen drive." FML

#21171341
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44063) - you deserved it (4755)

On 06/11/2014 at 8:00pm - animals - by Anonymous - Canada (Manitoba)

Today, my guide dog sneezed so hard that it slammed its head on the floor and knocked itself out. I have to trust this dog with my life. FML

#21117679
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55216) - you deserved it (4815)

On 04/20/2014 at 12:03am - animals - by Anonymous - United States (Idaho)

Today, my house was robbed. My two 70-pound German Shepherds obeyed me when I told them to attack. They also obeyed the robber when he said, "Sit". FML

#21113538
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56427) - you deserved it (5096)

On 04/15/2014 at 8:08am - animals - by stupiddog (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was waiting at the bus stop and noticed a girl that I played netball with. I ran across the road to meet her and she ran across the car park to meet me. We hugged and looked at each other slowly backing away as we both realised that we didn't know each other. FML

#21083446
160 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49967) - you deserved it (7202)

On 03/10/2014 at 8:26pm - misc - by Anonymous - United Kingdom



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