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sevjr's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 08/08/2013 at 7:10am / Latvia (Jelgavas) / Health
by Anonymous / 08/07/2013 at 6:24pm / Egypt / Intimacy
Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML
by Blood on my hands / 08/07/2013 at 1:40am / United States / Animals
Today, my daughter, who was born in late 2000, mentioned how amazing it is that she'll be alive during the year 3000. I asked her exactly how old she thinks she'll be by then. She said, "Thirty, duh." I've screwed up as a parent, so very badly. FML
by Anonymous / 08/06/2013 at 11:19am / United States (Arkansas) / Kids
Today, I was stretching after a group run. I noticed one of the girls was having problems balancing, so I told her that I have horrible balance too, but that it'll get better. She sneered and said she had a brain tumor when she was a kid, and that's why she has such bad balance. FML
by Anonymous / 08/04/2013 at 3:11am / United States (California) / Health
Today, I was reading in my apartment. Due to a heatwave and my lack of AC, I was completely naked. My cat jumped onto my lap, and as her claws dug into my stomach, I recoiled. This caused her to retreat, clawing at my nether regions in the process. My pussy mauled my pussy. FML
by Anonymous / 07/29/2013 at 5:18pm / United States / Animals
by Anonymous / 07/29/2013 at 3:07pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I had a customer scream at me for ruining their child's birthday party. They had bought a Piñata from me and didn't know they had to fill it themselves. The kids had hit it open and it was empty. FML
by Fitz / 07/29/2013 at 2:30am / United States / Work
by Mia / 07/28/2013 at 2:18am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 07/28/2013 at 12:59am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I heard my mom sobbing in the bathroom. Concerned, I went in to see what was wrong. I found her sitting on the toilet, pants down and a cigarette between her fingers. When I asked what was going on, she looked up at me and slurred that we'd run out of "shit-wipes." FML
by trailertrashyanditsucks / 07/26/2013 at 3:55pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by dareyale / 07/26/2013 at 2:10am / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous
by anon / 07/25/2013 at 12:44am / United States (New Jersey) / Work
by anonymous / 07/24/2013 at 9:31pm / United States (Illinois) / Transportation
Today, I walked in on my daughter hugging and sobbing into her Edward Cullen cut-out. She won't tell me what's wrong, yet she can confide in a creepy fictional stalker whose facial expression is locked to "chronically constipated". Where did I go wrong? FML
by So little trust. / 07/12/2013 at 7:18pm / Canada (Alberta) / Kids
- Today, I had my first wet dream. I woke up sweating and soaking wet. Too bad I dreamed about having… Today, my boyfriend figured out that he can bounce small things off of my boobs, and has been doing… Today, my mom found a condom in my pocket while doing my laundry. Instead of having the subsequent…