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red1116's favorite FMLs
Today, I was leading a tour of my university and saw a girl in ripped jeans and combat boots smoking a cigarette. I told her that she shouldn't be representing the school in such a manner. She shot back: "I'm a Presidential Scholar. Suck my dick, bitch." FML
by Anonymous / 10/15/2014 at 1:07pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous
Today, I woke up to my roommate trying to put a burrito and a pack of mild sauce in between my boobs. He's only lived here for two weeks, and this is the second time I've woken up to him doing something like this. FML
by burritobreasts / 10/15/2014 at 2:27am / Miscellaneous
by the3goatlady / 09/01/2014 at 12:22pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Animals
by Anonymous / 09/01/2014 at 10:08am / United States / Transportation
Today, I went out with my best friend to McDonald's for a late night snack. Turns out she lied to me and just used me to pick up the boy she likes so they could go stargazing. I'm now laying beside them as they look at the stars and make out. I just want fries. FML
by emilyparker / 08/31/2014 at 10:55pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love
by dining / 08/31/2014 at 9:56pm / United States (Iowa) / Work
Today, I saw a customer wandering around, looking confused. I went over and kindly asked if I could help him find anything. He said no, but that he'd help me find the teeth he'd knock out of my mouth if I didn't get lost. FML
by Anonymous / 08/30/2014 at 11:14am / United States (Oregon) / Work
Today, I almost got lucky with a girl from my course. We've been flirting since we met. After removing her top and moving downwards with my tongue, whilst moaning my name she decided to mention she has a boyfriend and that we needed to stop. FML
by Anonymous / 08/30/2014 at 2:44am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Intimacy
Today, my 8 year old son asked me why he had to make his bed everyday if he would just use it again. I replied with, "You flush the toilet even though you're going to use it again, right?" He said, "Good point." Now he's not making his bed or flushing the toilet. FML
by sam_666777 / 08/29/2014 at 10:54pm / United States (New York) / Kids
by That idiot / 08/27/2014 at 10:33pm / United States (Nevada) / Kids
by leem / 08/27/2014 at 5:21pm / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Transportation
by spark / 08/27/2014 at 1:19pm / United States (California) / Transportation
by angry girlfriend / 08/24/2014 at 11:27pm / United States (Indiana) / Love
Today, after a long silent and awkward pause after asking my girlfriend's dad if I can take her on holiday for Christmas, he looked me dead in the eyes and said "No, you may not impregnate my daughter." FML
by Dafuq happen there / 08/23/2014 at 3:34am / South Africa / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 08/22/2014 at 2:41pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous
- Today, I was taking a shower at my sister's Chicago apartment. I was rinsing, when
something flew… Today, while kayaking with my family, I thought I saw a snake. I paddled closer to it while arguing… Today, I decided to sink low enough to sign up for one of those 'get paid for taking a survey site'…