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In "Moderate the FMLs", you voted Yes on a story that was subsequently published. Well done!
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puppytaco64's favorite FMLs
Today, I had to turn down an offer of what seemed like some sexy time with a cute girl because my intestines were bursting with an intense desire to unleash molten lava. I rushed home to squat down, only to let out a disappointingly small piece of crud and a tiny fart. FML
by Jarman / 07/26/2012 at 1:39am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
Today, after careful consideration, I told my wife I really want to have kids. She laughed, until she finally realized I was serious, at which point she flicked me in the balls and said, "Problem solved." FML
by Anonymous / 06/20/2012 at 12:41pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids
Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet my parents. Over the dinner, she asked my dad what's he's been up to since he retired. He replied, "recreational gynecology, my dear" and gave her a weird wink. FML
by Anonymous / 06/01/2012 at 4:46pm / Greece (Attiki) / Intimacy
Today, I was admitted to hospital for suspected kidney failure. I called my best friend to let her know I couldn't make it to her birthday party tonight. She seemed to be infinitely more upset that I wouldn't be able to give her a birthday present. FML
by Ashe / 06/01/2012 at 1:58pm / Australia (Victoria) / Health
Today, after years of lobbying for a travel job, I'm finally in Africa. Everything I eat or drink comes violently back out both directions. When I don't eat or drink, I pass out. Essentially I have to choose between illness and consciousness. Hello, fabulous new job. FML
by sicksicksick / 06/01/2012 at 4:41am / Senegal / Health
Today, my apartment has been echoing all day with the wails of my cat, Butters. He's yet again managed to trap himself in the umbrella stand. In the past, he has eventually gotten himself out, but this time I think I might have to use a hacksaw. FML
by Dom / 05/26/2012 at 5:35pm / South Africa (Eastern Cape) / Animals
Today, I reached a new level of commitment in my relationship with my boyfriend. This happened when he pooped on the side of the road beside my truck, while talking and making eye contact with me while wiping. FML
by ordinaryday / 05/22/2012 at 8:21am / Canada (Alberta) / Love
by chchboy / 05/22/2012 at 1:05am / United States / Intimacy
Today, I was at the laundromat when a huge, tattoo-covered man wearing nothing but denim booty shorts and a wife-beater sat down beside me. He stared at me for a while, before telling me all about how I reminded him of his "first prison bitch." FML
by Anonymous / 05/18/2012 at 10:35pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by poo4brains / 04/28/2012 at 12:42am / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Intimacy
by noname / 04/27/2012 at 8:04am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous
by sadmommy / 04/23/2012 at 6:51pm / United States (Texas) / Kids
by Anonymous / 02/16/2012 at 2:41pm / United States (Florida) / Kids
by batsu / 01/27/2012 at 1:48am / Canada (British Columbia) / Health
Today, I discovered that there is nothing wrong with our snowblower. I live in Alaska and for the last 10 years I have been shoveling our long steep driveway because I thought the snowblower was broken. Reality? My mother has "never been able to get it out of the shed." FML
by dazean / 11/15/2011 at 1:00pm / United States (Alaska) / Miscellaneous
- Today, my pregnant wife was crying, so I let her sit on my lap so I could comfort her. She quickly… Today, I told my mom I broke up with my boyfriend because he wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready.… Today, I found out my ex started a Tumblr where she posts one photo a day. Each photo being a pic I…