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phew's favorite FMLs
Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML
by shartface12 / 06/06/2014 at 6:01pm / United States (California) / Health
Today, my brain decided to go into suicide mode. So far I've managed to open a fridge door into my face, walk balls-first into the corner of a table, and sliced my finger while trying to cut open some thick plastic packaging with scissors. I'll probably be dead by the time this is posted. FML
by FMyBrain / 06/06/2014 at 5:26pm / United States (Alaska) / Health
Today, my students turned in their male figure artwork. One absolute idiot had the smart idea of drawing me and the TA as some kind of gay lovers. I was torn between disgust at the explicitness, anger at the disrespect, and yet awe at how well-drawn it was. FML
by confusing / 06/06/2014 at 3:00pm / Zimbabwe / Work
Today, I was having lunch with my fiancé's family. After he excused himself to use the bathroom, his grandmother glared at me, sneered, "I never liked you" and kept eating while the others smirked. When my fiancé returned, everyone pretended nothing had happened. FML
by Anonymous / 06/06/2014 at 11:45am / Australia / Love
by ShadowReiku / 06/05/2014 at 11:38pm / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy
Today, I went to a fancy charity dinner. I'm a schmoozer, so I decided to introduce myself to someone important. I asked enthusiastically, "So, how are you involved with all of this madness?" He frowned at me. I then remembered that this particular charity assists people with mental issues. FML
by charitableidiot / 06/05/2014 at 6:23pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous
Today, my boyfriend bought yet another video game and played it all afternoon. Unlike me, our parrot is taking this situation rather well: for the past two hours he's been repeating, over and over, "EA Sports, it's in the game." FML
by Apcn / 06/05/2014 at 4:05pm / France (Bretagne) / Animals
Today, I babysat the brattiest and most foul-mouthed 8-year-old I've ever met. After I survived three hours of it, his parents finally came home. He claimed I'd invited a boy over and that we did "stuff" on the couch all evening. They believed him. I didn't get paid, to say the least. FML
by bastards / 06/05/2014 at 4:05pm / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Kids
Today, a customer at work said his table was dirty. I asked which one he was sitting at so I could clean it for him. For some bizarre reason he got pissed and called my manager over. He ended up reporting us to corporate, and my manager got written up. He's blaming me for everything. FML
by DarkSerebii / 06/05/2014 at 11:16am / United States / Work
by hifhfan / 06/05/2014 at 7:12am / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Miscellaneous
Today, an older gentleman came into my work for underwear. I helped him find his size, pulled out a pair of navy ones and he then turned to me and said, "I don't want dark colours because I can't tell if I've shit myself." He then continued looking for all the white pairs. FML
by unashamed / 06/05/2014 at 4:11am / Australia (Queensland) / Work
by fat and alone / 06/05/2014 at 12:11am / United States (Alabama) / Health
Today, while on the highway, a guy in a truck sped up to pass me. He was hauling a trailer, which hit me and ran me off the road. I called the cops and followed him all the way into town, where the cops pulled him over. They let him go without even a ticket, because, "He didn't know he hit you." FML
by Off_Road / 06/04/2014 at 3:30pm / United States (Alaska) / Transportation
Today, my boyfriend complained all day about being bored, so wanting to cheer him up, I put on some sexy clothes and went to his house. I got on his bed in my underwear and called him over. He quickly decided he'd rather play Diablo for the next five hours instead. FML
by Justawoman / 06/04/2014 at 11:52am / Denmark (Midtjylland) / Intimacy
Today, my mother-in-law confessed that for the longest time, she had fantasies about killing me for "ruining" her daughter's life, basically because I'm not wealthy enough for my mother-in-law's standards. She made sure to let me know the situation hasn't changed at all. FML
by Anonymous / 06/04/2014 at 10:34am / United Kingdom (Lancashire) / Love