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paintedwings12's favorite FMLs
Today, I was in the break room with my colleagues and our awful boss. As ever, he was talking trash, convinced that his jokes were actually funny. The window was open, and it was chilly. As he walked by it, I mangled my words and said, "Cedric, could you please shut your mouth?" FML
by La Guigne / 04/08/2013 at 5:10pm / United Kingdom (Northamptonshire) / Miscellaneous
by dancekat / 04/08/2013 at 5:17am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy
Today, I was driving home from a friend's house after a night of partying. Suddenly, I had to poop worse than I ever had to in my entire life. The pain was so bad I had to pull over and pretend to be checking my tires while I let out the entire contents of my bowels onto the road. FML
by poopy pants / 04/07/2013 at 9:47pm / United States (Minnesota) / Health
Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML
by dating walter white's gf apparently / 04/06/2013 at 3:13pm / United Kingdom / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 04/03/2013 at 9:32am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Love
by QuinnyZebrass / 04/02/2013 at 12:11am / United States (Arizona) / Work
Today, I was on the toilet, when I noticed I could see my daughter dancing in the other room in the mirror, so I took a picture with my phone. After I uploaded it, people pointed out that I was visible in the picture, sitting on the toilet and smiling. FML
by crunknasty / 03/30/2013 at 1:19am / United States (California) / Kids
Today, whilst texting my boyfriend on the train, I noticed the woman sitting next to me staring intently at my phone. After letting my boyfriend know, he sent a message saying, "Are we gonna involve the dog again? Last night was fun." She gasped and screamed that I'm a "twisted dog-humping bitch." FML
by Anonymous / 03/25/2013 at 8:28pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Animals
by f-ugly / 03/25/2013 at 2:36pm / United States / Love
by anon / 03/25/2013 at 2:31pm / United States / Health
Today, I was late to a lecture when I tripped up the stairs. With a few hundred people already staring and laughing at me, I started to curtsy to my "adoring fans" but instead fell backwards down the massive flight of stairs. FML
by Anonymous / 03/25/2013 at 2:03am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous
Today, it was raining heavily so I wore my black poncho as I walked to work. On the way there I noticed an old and seemingly homeless man following me. I turned around to confront him. He picked up a stick and screamed "Expecto Patronum!" Apparently I look like a dementor. FML
by Anna L. / 03/24/2013 at 8:23pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I bought an expensive razor that's supposed to be great. My roommate asked if she could borrow it, and as her legs just looked like they needed touching up, I said sure. After a strangely long amount of time, she came back, thanked me and left. Her legs were still hairy. FML
by bleach / 03/24/2013 at 1:30am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous
Today, I was feeling sick and fainted while teaching my kindergarten class. I came to when one boy poured a cup of water on my face. Three kids were crying into my walkie talkie telling the office I was dead, and the rest of the class had disappeared. FML
by kindergarten teacher / 03/23/2013 at 9:25am / United States (California) / Kids
- Today, my boyfriend wanted to show me that he listened to me yesterday: I said that I loved unusual… Today, my wife was talking to our 9 month-old baby. “Your father really is an example.” I smiled,… Today, I sprayed pepper spray on a guy who appeared to be following me. He was really cute, and was…