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onorexveritas's favorite FMLs
by AgentOrion / 08/29/2014 at 12:16am / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was hammered, and on my way home I walked into a policeman. My logic was: if I'm on the phone, he can't talk to me, so I pulled my phone out and started speaking. The officer then asked me why I was speaking to my wallet. FML
by drunk under 18 teenager / 08/19/2014 at 9:37am / Morocco (Marrakech-Tensift-Al Haouz) / Geek
by Degueusement / 08/18/2014 at 12:48am / Intimacy
by weirded out / 08/10/2014 at 10:22pm / United States (California) / Work
by scared / 08/03/2014 at 8:47pm / Canada / Transportation
Today, at work, an old man was having trouble using his credit card at the checkout. I told him to "just stick it in", and he replied with "I love it when you talk dirty to me." The whole line at the checkout laughed. FML
by Anonymous / 08/03/2014 at 1:16am / Australia (Western Australia) / Work
Today, I was carrying my four-month-old son in a checkout line. An older couple behind us remarked that I would spoil my son if I carried him everywhere. My son responded by projectile vomiting all over the wife, then looked at me and giggled. FML
by Pandamomma / 07/21/2014 at 8:58am / United States (North Carolina) / Kids
by and god shat / 07/11/2014 at 7:38pm / United States (Oregon) / Animals
by boob sisters / 07/02/2014 at 1:01pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy
by beccadabeast / 06/30/2014 at 2:44am / United States (Arizona) / Animals
by fredfredburger / 06/25/2014 at 1:45pm / United States (Missouri) / Love
by whoops / 05/25/2014 at 5:23pm / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy
Today, my 5-year-old son woke up early and ran into my bedroom to wake me up. Unfortunately, he did this by jumping onto my bed, slamming his knee into my balls in the process. I had to explain my tears of agony away by claiming I was just so happy to see him. FML
by todaddy / 05/23/2014 at 3:32pm / United Kingdom / Kids
Today, I started going on and on about dogs and their different types of breed, behaviours, expectancy, etc. When someone asked me how I know all this stuff, I meant to say, "I fucking love animals", I didn't think it through and said, "I love fucking animals". FML
by Zekrome / 05/05/2014 at 3:53am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy