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notsick's favorite FMLs
Today, my neighbor went on vacation, leaving me in charge of his cat and dog. For some reason, he calls his dog "Cat" and his cat "Dog". There are two pet food containers, one labeled "Cat" and the other labeled "Dog". I have no idea which one goes to which animal. FML
by catdog / 01/02/2013 at 1:07am / United States (California) / Animals
Today, a girl mistook me for her boyfriend and broke up with me because I'm "a liar and a cheating bastard." I've never seen her in my life, but I'm so lonely that I tried to convince her to give me another chance and stay with me. FML
by Alone / 12/28/2012 at 12:24am / United States / Love
Today, my ex-boyfriend of over 4 years decided to turn up outside my house at 1am, drunk off his ass, to confess his love for me. When I told him I'd moved on and am happily engaged, he cried on the grass for an hour, then tried to steal my cat. FML
by Anonymous / 12/26/2012 at 12:18pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous
by Saradee / 12/23/2012 at 11:55pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
by dudeyouarefired / 12/20/2012 at 3:16am / Miscellaneous
Today, a friend informed me that my dog's name means "penis" in Greek. I live in a predominantly Greek neighbourhood, and apparently I've been screaming for "dong" every evening for the past 3 years. No wonder they don't talk to me much. FML
by Dog_Lover / 12/18/2012 at 10:30am / Canada (Quebec) / Miscellaneous
by Ape / 12/17/2012 at 6:12pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 12/15/2012 at 3:52am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
by mdg / 12/04/2012 at 12:16pm / United States (Connecticut) / Work
by Anonymous / 12/03/2012 at 2:02pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals
Today, I was giving my son a driving lesson. He blatantly ran a red light, so I told him to pull over to let me drive us home. As I walked over to the driver-side door, he instead locked me out and drove off by himself. FML
by Anonymous / 11/09/2012 at 1:28pm / Argentina (Buenos Aires) / Kids
Today, over a family dinner, my husband and I told everyone that I'm pregnant. My father frowned and said, "Again?", my 9-year-old daughter started crying, and her brother smirked and yelled, "Up the ass, no babies!" FML
by Anonymous / 10/28/2012 at 12:44pm / United States / Kids
Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression "knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as "kill yourself." FML
by Holy Testacles / 10/17/2012 at 12:45am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I had a cyst in my butt removed. The doctors had to make a hole, and then fill it with gauze before sending me home. As soon as I got back, my sister decided to kick me in the butt as hard as she could. FML
by hurtinrealbad / 10/16/2012 at 1:25pm / United States (Arizona) / Health
by Anonymous / 10/15/2012 at 9:19pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous
- Today, my friend asked me whether I wanted to go to the gym with her, after grabbing my phone and a… Today, after working 6 days a week, making well over overtime and happy for a well rested day off,… Today, I saw a cute girl working at one of those fancy pizza places. I gave her a tip and she gave…