About ndbrown : You better check yourself before you shrek yourself.
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ndbrown's favorite FMLs
by Australian Lifeguard / 10/21/2014 at 11:18pm / United States (Arizona) / Work
Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML
by Anonymous / 10/18/2014 at 3:29pm / United Kingdom / Kids
Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He told me one of my lights was busted, and I couldn't help but point out that one of his was out too. He said, "Thanks, I'll get that fixed right away." then gave me a ticket. FML
by Anonymous / 09/29/2014 at 11:42am / United States (Illinois) / Transportation
by Anonymous / 09/26/2014 at 5:07pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy
Today, my boyfriend and I were planning on having sex. He first excused himself to the bathroom, then returned with a sad face saying he had fumbled with himself in the bathroom to get "ready" and accidentally came. He said, "I was thinking of you though." FML
by hahaohyeahwow / 09/24/2014 at 12:24am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy
Today, I heard what sounded like high-pitched feminine moaning coming from my son's room. I knocked and walked in, expecting to catch him red handed with a girl. He'd just beaten his high score on Flappy Bird. FML
by royallymessedup / 09/21/2014 at 11:33am / United Kingdom / Intimacy
Today, my fiancé and I were having sex in the early hours of the morning. He said "Morning sex is the best thing to wake up to." Without thinking, I responded "Yeah, unless you're in prison." He lost his erection due to laughing so hard and now can't look at me without laughing. FML
by RuinedTheMood / 09/21/2014 at 1:11am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
by littleteapot / 09/04/2014 at 10:47pm / United States / Intimacy
by SCARRED / 08/29/2014 at 4:15pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy
by whotouchedyou1 / 08/25/2014 at 10:37pm / United States (Texas) / Health
Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML
by fuck you, tasha / 08/24/2014 at 5:50pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Work
Today, two children decided it would be fun to try to ding-dong-ditch me. I never answered the door as I saw them running away. They did it a couple of times before getting bored. That's when they decided it would be fun to come into my house instead. FML
by I hate children / 08/18/2014 at 8:10am / United Kingdom (Liverpool) / Kids
by Degueusement / 08/18/2014 at 12:48am / Intimacy
by emmamrose7 / 08/14/2014 at 11:36pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 08/14/2014 at 11:35pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy
- 1Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I… 2Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After… 3Today, I received a phone call, angry at me for not calling my dad on Father's Day. When I told her…
- Today, my friend spotted for me while I was lifting a barbell. He thought it would be hilarious to… Today, my wife uttered the soul-crushing words, "But we're married now, why would we have sex?" FML Today, my boyfriend told me that if I ever cheated on him, he'll chop my body up and dispose of all…