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natheitz's favorite FMLs
Today, my roommates decided to do some experimental baking. To be supportive, I tried one of their creations. I've been alternating between vomiting and diarrhea for the past hour. My jaw is sore from vomiting, and I can barely muster the energy to flush between "switching sides" anymore. FML
by sendhelp / 08/03/2015 at 1:31am / United States (Utah) / Health
by LexiD19 / 07/31/2015 at 6:56pm / United States (South Carolina) / Work
Today, while shopping with my sister, she asked me to wait for her while she quickly said hello to a friend. I sat on a bench for an hour before I realised she wasn't coming back. Turns out "hello" had turned into a date. FML
by Anonymous / 07/30/2015 at 2:56am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous
by dirtbikeguy / 07/23/2015 at 9:05am / United States (Illinois) / Animals
Today, I went out to inspect the backyard. There are now more than two dozen spiders hanging out and webs crossing from one side of the yard to the other. I have decided to surrender this territory. FML
by Skoff / 07/23/2015 at 5:44am / Australia (New South Wales) / Animals
by padthaimeanoose / 07/18/2015 at 11:29pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy
Today, my boyfriend's idiotic friend shoved me into a stream so I could be "reunited" with my family, since my name is River. The first thing I saw as I climbed out, soaking wet, was my boyfriend high-fiving his friend. FML
by Anonymous / 07/17/2015 at 2:11pm / United States / Health
Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML
by Anonymous / 07/17/2015 at 1:14pm / United States (Florida) / Health
Today, at 3 in the morning, I was getting out of bed to use the bathroom, when my boyfriend grabbed my arm, looked at me wide-eyed and begged, "Don't... They'll take your skin..." He doesn't remember saying it, and now I'm scared shitless to use the bathroom at night. FML
by Julianapilikusplatosophophes / 07/10/2015 at 11:49pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous
Today, my psycho ex girlfriend got up in my face after I dumped her. She said I'm going to pay and that one day, when I think I'm safe and happy, my joy will turn to ash in my mouth. When I pointed out she'd just ripped off a Game of Thrones quote, she kneed me in the balls. FML
by Anonymous / 07/10/2015 at 10:42pm / United States (Texas) / Health
by Anonymous / 07/10/2015 at 12:52pm / United Kingdom (Nottingham) / Kids
Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML
by matou / 07/09/2015 at 4:41pm / France (Rhone-Alpes) / Transportation
by Anonymous / 07/08/2015 at 4:50pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love
by Anonymous / 06/26/2015 at 12:29pm / United States (California) / Money
- 1Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I… 2Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After… 3Today, I received a phone call, angry at me for not calling my dad on Father's Day. When I told her…