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natheitz's favorite FMLs
Today, while shopping, I told my wife I'd love some pork chops for dinner. Someone nearby muttered, "That's practically cannibalism, ya fat pig." My wife immediately had a "coughing attack" that sounded suspiciously like it was covering up laughter. FML
by dempasi / 05/06/2016 at 2:51pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 05/02/2016 at 5:42pm / United States (Iowa) / Work
Today, since I always fall asleep in class, I decided not to go to the bathroom beforehand, hoping the sensation to pee would keep me awake. I ended up falling asleep and wetting myself in the middle of the lecture. FML
by Pee.H.D / 05/02/2016 at 1:24pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by Pupluv183 / 05/02/2016 at 12:43pm / United States (Oregon) / Animals
Today, my boyfriend keeps requesting that I make eye contact when I give him blowjobs. He won't let up about it. I don't know how to break it to him that his penis is too small for me to suck and look upward at the same time. FML
by oh gee / 05/02/2016 at 1:01am / Intimacy
by HomeAlone / 04/24/2016 at 12:45am / United States / Miscellaneous
by Roomie pay rent plz / 04/23/2016 at 9:25pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, my wife's paranoia reached a new level. She spent a half hour fretting over the idea that one of the cleaning ladies at our hotel might have taken a used condom from our room and tried to get pregnant with it. FML
by she won't see a therapist / 04/23/2016 at 12:37am / United States (Nebraska) / Miscellaneous
Today, my new upstairs neighbors moved in. Within ten minutes of getting in the door they were screaming and arguing about everything, practically handing out death threats to each other. I then heard them having even louder makeup sex for about three hours afterwards. FML
by 12MONTHLEASE / 04/21/2016 at 8:30pm / United States / Intimacy
by Mcwifi / 04/21/2016 at 1:58pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous
by BenFiggy / 04/21/2016 at 9:28am / United States (New Jersey) / Kids
by anonymous / 04/19/2016 at 11:09pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous
Today, I scored the number of a cute girl. I gave her mine as well, just before leaving the bar. As I waved her goodbye, I attempted to do a cheesy "call me" gesture with my thumb and pinky finger, and winked. For a reason unknown to me, I ended up flipping her off. I still winked though. FML
by killme.jpeg / 04/17/2016 at 9:04pm / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Miscellaneous
Today, I started my period almost a week earlier than I expected to. I also happened to be at the beach with a guy that I really liked when it started. He was the one who noticed, and he informed me by saying that we couldn't go back in the water or we would be eaten by sharks. FML
by Unsuspecting / 04/16/2016 at 8:23am / United States / Health