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napalm_uniqorn

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napalm_uniqorn
  • Town/Country : Melbourne, Australia
  • Title : Madam
  • Birth Date : Thursday 26 November 1992 (21 years)
  • Number of visits : 203
  • Number of comments : 16
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 21 posted

About napalm_uniqorn : I'm addicted to fml as it makes a great read. I'm jealous of white Christmases, and snow. I have kangaroos living in my backyard and wombats in my driveway.

napalm_uniqorn's last visitors

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napalm_uniqorn's FML badges

Back from a party

An FML submitted on a Saturday morning between 5 and 6am can't be a good FML.

An insomniac or a creature of the dark

You commented on an FML between 1 and 3 am.

Hard at Work

Voting on an FML from the Work category on a Monday between 8 and 9am, how ironic.

See all of napalm_uniqorn's badges

napalm_uniqorn's favorite FMLs

Today, I got a call at 4 in the morning from the security company, saying someone had broken into my workplace. I drove an hour out there, only to find out it was a rat that had set off the alarm. FML

#21000984
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36899) - you deserved it (2581)

On 12/22/2013 at 1:56am - work - by Anonymous - Australia (Victoria)

Today, a man started a deep conversation with me at the bus stop about life, death, and the miracles of things we take for granted every day. I was really enjoying it until he looked at his watch and said, "Oh shit, mushrooms make me lose track of time!" and ran off into the night. FML

#20998821
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37076) - you deserved it (3873)

On 12/20/2013 at 3:45am - misc - by whatjusthappened (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I was staying at a seedy apartment. A group of drunken idiots next door decided it would be fun to run into the wall simultaneously. They broke through the rotted wall and ran me over. FML

#20982547
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39039) - you deserved it (2834)

On 12/06/2013 at 4:36am - misc - by unlucky neighbors - China (Shanghai)

Today, I saw my friend's car in front of school. I'd had a bad day and just wanted to talk with her. I got in and sat down, and felt something squish beneath me. Turns out it wasn't actually my friend's car, and I'd just sat on a random woman's cake. FML

#20978310
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34410) - you deserved it (24126)

On 12/02/2013 at 3:04pm - misc - by Sherressa (woman) - Ireland (Dublin)

Today, I had a nightmare in which I was haunted by the ghost of my foreskin. I then spent the whole day moping around, wondering what my life would've been like if my parents hadn't opted to slice it off. Will I see you in heaven, long-lost ghostly foreskin? FML

#20972170
236 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28833) - you deserved it (13483)

On 11/27/2013 at 3:44am - health - by MissYouPieceOfSkin (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, I forgot I left my tampons in a grocery bag packed with food that I put into the fridge. I realized two hours later while frantically looking for a tampon. I'm still cold down there. FML

#20966555
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37616) - you deserved it (10576)

On 11/22/2013 at 1:53am - misc - by InsertPopcicle (woman) - United States

Today, I woke up from a drunken one-night-stand. The person I slept with turned out to be heavily pregnant. She tried to convince me that I am the father and that I passed out for 7 months. FML

Today, I let my sister hold my newborn daughter for the first time. I heard her mutter under her breath, "I could kill you so easily..." FML

Today, I realized how amazing I've become at faking orgasms: I made up everything from the noises of my juices to pure, blissful climax over the phone to my husband. He came; I finished putting laundry away. FML

#20955991
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42871) - you deserved it (11198)

On 11/13/2013 at 1:40am - intimacy - by CanWeAllGetOne - United States (Texas)

Today, while taking an order over the phone for the customer at work, I began to hear slight moans. The moans gradually became faster and louder, until climax was achieved and I realized I was being used for phone sex. FML

#20955245
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41041) - you deserved it (3273)

On 11/12/2013 at 3:29pm - work - by long day - United States (Michigan)

Today, my sister introduced our parents to her new boyfriend. He's my boyfriend, and he told me he was going to be out of state for a few weeks on business. FML

Today, she did it again. While I was minding my own business reading the paper, she casually walked up to me and slashed my face with her nails, drawing blood and screams of pain. I need to get out of this abusive relationship, but no one will adopt my asshole of a cat. FML

#20950555
217 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39170) - you deserved it (7162)

On 11/08/2013 at 6:02pm - animals - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I walked into my dorm room, only to witness my roommate shaving her vag over my trashcan. FML

#20950523
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44551) - you deserved it (2945)

On 11/08/2013 at 5:29pm - intimacy - by JN5SLK (woman) - United States (Utah)

Today, I watched as my grandma beat the shit out of my dad at the zoo. FML

#20948659
134 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42746) - you deserved it (3613)

On 11/07/2013 at 12:52am - misc - by Grandson - United States (California)



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