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minimammoth's favorite FMLs
Today, I received a three-time forwarded message which I thought would turn out to be a random chain message. Turns out my boyfriend didn't want to send me the "break-up text" himself and figured it would get to me eventually after sending it to all my best friends. FML
Today, I locked my keys in my car. My spare keys are 45 minutes away in my dorm room. My dorm room keys are attached to my car keys locked in my car. Security said they would let me in as long as I had my school ID. It's on my keychain. FML
by Anonymous / 10/13/2009 at 11:53am / United States (Maine) / Transportation
Today, I got an email from the company that manages my cat's microchip informing me that I had to update my information that had been entered by the local Humane Society. Apparently, they listed my cat "Coral" as the owner, and me as the pet. To change it, they needed the cat's signature. FML
by APetsPet / 10/05/2009 at 3:23pm / United States (Florida) / Animals
Today, I sat to the right of a girl I really like. I passed her a note asking her to homecoming. She read it, then hurriedly passed it to a hideous girl sitting on her left, who said yes, then hugged me. FML
by asshole / 10/02/2009 at 1:34am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous
Today, I open my front door and saw a covered basket with a card from my girlfriend on it. I picked it up and read, "Hope this cheers you up." I uncovered the basket to find a golden labrador puppy. Its eyes were closed and it wasn't breathing. FML
by rainedaddy / 09/29/2009 at 12:17am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by ripfluffy / 09/28/2009 at 3:15am / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was in the bathroom defecating when I felt something hanging there. I reached back with toilet paper and starting pulling it out inch by inch; 3 feet later I learned I had a tapeworm. Worst of all, no pharmacy has the med the doctor prescribed. I have to live with this thing until the med gets here. FML
by benander / 09/15/2009 at 5:14pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy
Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. I have been getting explicit texts and phone calls so I just joking said to my friend, "I think someone wrote my number on a bathroom stall." At which point he said, "Sorry, I didn't think people really called those numbers." FML
by Casden / 09/13/2009 at 11:57am / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went para sailing for the first time ever. My friends thought it would be funny to pull down my trunks right before my feet left the boat. I dangled there in the air for the whole resort to see. And I lost my shorts in the ocean. FML
by no_hullabalo / 09/04/2009 at 10:50am / Taiwan (T'ai-wan) / Miscellaneous
by w-dog / 08/24/2009 at 1:33pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
by JPF / 08/12/2009 at 11:13pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy
Today, I went on a date with a girl. She drove while texting someone then stopped at a house and told me to wait in the car. She left her phone so I looked at the last text and it says "I'm here for the quicky". Our "date" was a decoy to throw her mom off so she could sleep with another guy. FML
by Anonymous / 07/19/2009 at 8:44am / United States (California) / Love
Today, I was eating a croissant. After eating half of it and about to take another bite, a spider crawled out of one of the holes of flaky deliciousness and descended down a thread of web to the table, where it scuddled away. There was a whole family of them living in there. FML
by homedoggieo / 07/14/2009 at 7:57pm / United States (North Carolina) / Animals
Today, I accidentally dropped my birth control pill on the floor and my dog ate it. The good news is, I startled her and she spit it right out. The bad news is, I still had to take it after it had been in my dog's mouth. FML
by ssnickel / 07/07/2009 at 5:29pm / United States (New Jersey) / Animals
by Soapy / 06/28/2009 at 3:23am / United States (New Mexico) / Miscellaneous
- Today, completely nude, I had to collect my clothes around the boy’s apartment I have been sleeping… Today, despite being 21 years old and living in my own place, my mom still managed to walk in on me… Today, my mother-in-lawyer threatened to sue me unless I took my professional wedding photographs…