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midnightm16's favorite FMLs
Today, I'm very ill. My throat and glands are so swollen that whenever I fall asleep, I relax too much and cut off my own air. The doctor said it's a viral infection and there's nothing they can give me, so I can choose between trying to kill myself by sleeping or staying awake for the next few days. FML
by DirtyCharmed / 11/01/2011 at 2:29am / United States (Washington) / Health
Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML
by f*ckingdisgusted / 08/26/2011 at 9:13pm / United States / Kids
by ElixirRose / 07/20/2011 at 8:36am / United States (Georgia) / Animals
by knolan / 07/20/2011 at 12:40am / United States / Intimacy
Today, my daughter called for me to come into the bathroom. Turns out the tummy ache she'd been complaining of was actually parasites in her digestive tract. I could swear they were looking at me from the toilet. FML
by mrsekko / 05/31/2011 at 8:44am / United States / Health
by LimeyGoodteeth / 05/24/2011 at 5:34pm / United Kingdom (Leicester) / Work
by NoMeatFail / 02/26/2011 at 7:59pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
Today, my roommate complained about his penis being smelly and itchy. It's been a week. Yesterday he woke me up in the middle of the night, asking if I had some kind of Vaseline or moisturizer he could use for the itching. He still refuses to go to the doctor. FML
by Anonymous / 02/13/2011 at 7:09pm / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Health
Today, I was driving to work when I was almost hit by a teenage driver. I gave her the finger and shouted "F*** you!" making sure that she heard me. I then saw my boss glaring at me from the passenger seat. FML
by Zeco / 02/05/2011 at 5:54pm / United States / Transportation
Today, it was both my and my stepmother's birthday. In preparation, my dad bought a huge banner with my stepmother's name on it, and a lovely birthday cake. When I told him it was also my birthday, he just grunted and taped a post-it note to the banner with my name on it. Same with the cake. FML
by stinkerweeder / 02/05/2011 at 3:30pm / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous
Today, I came home to find a note on my door. I thought it was from my elderly disabled neighbors thanking me for cleaning off their snow covered car, since about 6 inches came down. It was from them, only it said I owed them for damages to their car. Damages that were already there. FML
by kittyd / 01/28/2011 at 12:24am / United States (West Virginia) / Transportation
by ohdear / 01/27/2011 at 8:07am / United Kingdom (Bury) / Intimacy
Today, I have been teaching my 5 year-old step-daughter how to read and write. She came bounding up to me with a piece of paper and said, "look what I did". It was a letter that said "My dad misses my real mommy, not you". FML
by yingyang2 / 01/05/2011 at 9:19pm / United States / Kids
Today, I hit a parked car which was sticking out in the road and practically unavoidable. I left a note on the windshield saying, "You deserved to get hit - you park like an asshole." Later I realized that the paper I tore to write on was the back of my bank statement, name and address included. FML
by Anonymous / 01/04/2011 at 3:28pm / United States (Georgia) / Transportation