matthews_van

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Offline (the 04/02/2016 at 9:07pm)

matthews_van

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matthews_van
  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Mister
  • Birth Date : Tuesday 12 December 1995 (20 years old)
  • <3 status : Single
  • Number of visits : 641
  • Number of comments : 20
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

About matthews_van : Hey. You're pretty attractive (; I have no life so send me a message and I should reply

matthews_van's page activity

Visits<b>Sunlight_Days_67</b> - the 02/14/2016 at 9:39pm<b>ragnarok1540</b> - the 12/11/2015 at 6:15pm<b>lemondrop81</b> - the 09/09/2015 at 5:22pm<b>im_a_squid</b> - the 08/15/2015 at 2:47am<b>Larissa24</b> - the 08/09/2015 at 1:14am<b>demonte_jones</b> - the 08/08/2015 at 11:01am<b>Bazinga_1821</b> - the 02/22/2015 at 11:35pm<b>kelseysking</b> - the 09/12/2014 at 3:10pm<b>cherrio27</b> - the 06/24/2014 at 12:16am<b>xx_ginny</b> - the 06/20/2014 at 4:15pm<b>thecalvin123</b> - the 06/12/2014 at 12:43am<b>vegasked</b> - the 05/27/2014 at 9:55pm<b>nomallama</b> - the 04/28/2014 at 11:21pm<b>muin</b> - the 04/18/2014 at 5:09pm<b>JadeBOOHYAH</b> - the 04/18/2014 at 2:47pm<b>Lindsey_Marie</b> - the 02/03/2014 at 11:00pm<b>aha_awkward_</b> - the 01/02/2014 at 2:22pm<b>blueflygon</b> - the 01/01/2014 at 3:20am

Fucked!<b>Bazinga_1821</b> - the 02/23/2015 at 5:36am

matthews_van's FML badges

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matthews_van's favorite FMLs

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a fancy restaurant for her birthday. I'd arranged beforehand for some of the staff to come out and sing happy birthday to her, but it all backfired when she started panicking and had a serious anxiety attack from all the attention. FML

by phuckbukket7 / 04/27/2014 at 6:08pm / United States / Love

Today, my sister introduced our parents to her new boyfriend. He's my boyfriend, and he told me he was going to be out of state for a few weeks on business. FML

by Alice99 / 11/12/2013 at 12:39pm / United States (Washington) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML

by kittkatt1 / 11/10/2013 at 8:52pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, while working at Chipotle, a teenage girl asked in all seriousness if she "could have a steak burrito, but with like, chicken instead?" FML

by fmylyfe / 11/09/2013 at 9:15am / United States (Minnesota) / Work

Today, we found out that my unborn sibling is a girl, and my parents quickly named her. In a few years' time, "Candida" is going to catch all kinds of shit at school, just like I do for being named Dorothy. My "friends" have already started calling me "lil' yeast infection's sis". FML

by Dor51 / 10/27/2013 at 3:52pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, a customer was paying for his food. As he placed the money in my hand, he said, "Careful, those coins are sticky." I asked why. He replied, "You know, male stuff." FML

Today, my boyfriend and I went to one of the United States Mints since he enjoys coins. He looked at the money and seriously said, "I have such a hard on". He did. FML

by EconM / 10/03/2013 at 11:38am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML

by Blood on my hands / 08/07/2013 at 1:40am / United States / Animals

Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML

by Anonymous / 07/11/2013 at 10:24am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML

by more than I wanted to know / 05/13/2013 at 3:10pm / Italy (Emilia-Romagna) / Intimacy

Today, my dumbass colleague was too lazy to go buy balloons for a party in recognition of our company's huge merger. Instead, he made condom balloons. Let's just say you don't make blow up condoms for a prestigious company event. A company whose CEO is named Dick. FML

by ADickySituation / 05/05/2013 at 12:14am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, for the third time this week, a telemarketer called me. Seriously annoyed, I told him in German that I don't speak English, in an attempt to get rid of him. He then started delivering his product pitch in German. FML

by Anonymous / 04/28/2013 at 9:57am / China (Shanghai) / Miscellaneous

Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML

by halliemarie1818 / 04/23/2013 at 10:01pm / United States / Animals

Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML

by Anonymous / 04/09/2013 at 2:01pm / United States / Health

Today, it's my 17th birthday, and the first birthday since my mother died, leaving me to live with my previously-absent father. He gave me pretzels and a laser pointer, and said, "Happy birthday, fuckstick". One more year. FML

by Anonymous / 04/09/2013 at 12:59am / Canada / Miscellaneous