About keepcalmandbacon : One does not simply write a description of oneself on FML.
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keepcalmandbacon's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 02/13/2014 at 10:47am / United States (Missouri) / Kids
Today, is my little sister's 16th birthday. I spent my last $20 on a gift for her, cleaned the house for her party, made an ice cream cake, and got her a rose. What did I get? "I hope you kept the receipt for this. Oh, and stay in your room during my party." FML
by Anonymous / 12/11/2013 at 3:25am / United States / Kids
by Anonymous / 11/29/2013 at 6:56am / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy
Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML
by thatsnotacat / 11/21/2013 at 12:52pm / Australia (Queensland) / Animals
by notsogood / 11/08/2013 at 3:02pm / United States / Intimacy
Today, at work, I had to explain to my co-manager at work what a period was, after he refused to let an employee go change her tampon. Afterwards, he panicked, saying he thought women made that up so they didn't have to have sex, before trying to send her to the hospital and fainting. We're 24. FML
by TheTruthofWomen / 11/04/2013 at 12:45am / United States / Intimacy
Today, I had a panic attack when a huge spider ran over my hand. I screamed, wailed, and killed it with a shoe while shouting. Ten minutes later, police slammed on my door. My neighbor called them, saying it sounded like someone was being murdered. FML
by katchoo / 11/03/2013 at 2:34am / Denmark / Animals
Today, while I was working out, I was listening to music with my earbuds in. The Pokémon theme started playing and I begun singing along. It wasn't too long after that I remembered I was in a crowded gym on a military base. FML
by GymBattle / 10/31/2013 at 7:18pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by AML / 10/31/2013 at 10:30am / United States (New York) / Love
by Anonymous / 10/30/2013 at 6:27pm / United Kingdom (Havering) / Work
Today, my boyfriend came onto me in a romantic gesture. We ended up having sex, forgetting that the window repair guy was supposed to come today and do some work on our third floor apartment windows. I still don't know how much he saw. FML
by English_Nut117 / 10/30/2013 at 3:17pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
by BaconLover / 10/28/2013 at 12:58am / Japan / Love
by MsConfusedd / 10/27/2013 at 12:11am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, after recently complaining that the reality show "The Great Norway Adventure" portrays us as a country of nationalistic rednecks, I saw my drunk dad chasing my uncle on a tractor while bellowing the national anthem at the top of his lungs. FML
by overly nationalistic redneck / 10/19/2013 at 3:37pm / Norway (Hordaland) / Miscellaneous
Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone, only to find that I'd drunkenly sent nude pictures to several friends' numbers, as well as to my own. I'd then replied to my own message, saying that I'm not gay and telling myself to fuck off. FML
by Anonymous / 10/18/2013 at 1:30pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous