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kdgsmiley's favorite FMLs
by BenFiggy / 04/21/2016 at 9:28am / United States (New Jersey) / Kids
Today, at the supermarket, I picked up a pack of toilet rolls, at which point my 5-year-old daughter turned to me and screamed, "A CLEAN BUTTHOLE IS A HAPPY BUTTHOLE!" in front of a dozen other people. I have no idea where she heard that. FML
by humiliated / 03/20/2016 at 7:54am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids
by NurseGabby / 02/24/2016 at 2:26pm / United States (Alabama) / Work
by Agamar / 02/23/2016 at 12:00am / United States (Illinois) / Health
by concernedsis / 02/04/2016 at 9:53am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy
Today, I put my 5 month-old daughter in her swinging chair and walked into the kitchen to make her a bottle. When I came back, she was giggling because the dog was licking her face. It would have been cute, picture worthy even, if I actually had a dog. FML
by lolmyfduplife / 12/24/2015 at 1:10am / Animals
by MiceMiles / 12/10/2015 at 7:34am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 11/17/2015 at 9:13pm / United States (Virginia) / Kids
by Anonymousse / 11/13/2015 at 7:34am / United Kingdom (Rhondda Cynon Taff) / Miscellaneous
Today, I put one of those checkout dividers in front of my groceries on the conveyor belt in the supermarket. The guy standing in front of me turned around, looked me straight in the eye and said "I don't trust you." as he put a second divider between our groceries. FML
by Quendolin / 11/09/2015 at 9:07am / Germany / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 09/24/2015 at 1:07pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy
Today, I spent an hour trying to sleep before work, but I couldn't because my two dogs wouldn't stop barking. Completely pissed off, I finally went and told the little fuck nuggets to shut the shit up. I was then immediately knocked unconscious by the burglar in my house. FML
by SilentSin / 08/24/2015 at 10:02pm / United States (Georgia) / Animals
Today, my husband and I locked our keys in the car. Our only spare is in the drawer with all our sex toys. So we either had to get our oldest go in the drawer and get them to bring to us or walk the 12 miles home. My feet will never recover from that walk. FML
by Anonymous / 08/24/2015 at 12:25am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML
by BarhydtBran / 08/17/2015 at 9:55pm / United States (California) / Work
Today, I went to the store with my 4-year-old daughter. When I went to change into tight jeans which weren't completely on, my daughter opened the curtain and yelled: "It's the mommy show!" Everyone there heard her and saw me. FML
by Anonymous / 08/09/2015 at 8:37pm / United States (Texas) / Kids