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About gotaplanstan : I bleed Green & Gold.
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Today, while mopping floors at the police station, an inmate pissed on the floor, demanded that I suck his dick, begged me 4 a glass of water and finally informed me that he would kill my family. I said nothing and he started weeping softly. I laughed, but slipped in his piss and broke my arm. FML
TODAY, I WAS TAKING MAH DOG FIR A WALK AN FORGOT A BAG TO PICK UP HIS POOP, SINCE IT'S ILLEGAL TO NOT PICK IT UP IN MAH TOWN. RIGHT AS MAH DOG STARTED TO TAKE A DUMP, A COP CAR DROVE BY AN CONTINUED TO WATCH ME AS I WAS FORCED TO PICK UP THE POOP WITH MAH BARE HANDS. FML
yesterday I was making out with mah girlfriend, and after a while, she moved her hand down to mah crotch. She felt mah erection, then got up and yelled at me, calling me a horny pig fir "assuming we were going to have sex." FML
Today , my neighbor went on vacation , leaving me in charge of his cat an dog. For some reason , he calls his dog "Cat" an his cat "Dog". There r two pet food containers , one labeled "Cat" an the other labeled "Dog". I have no ideahich one goes tohich animal. real FML
TODAY... I WAS WALKING HOMA WHAN I SAW AN ALDARLY WOMAN STRUGGLING WITH A LARGA BAG OF GARBAGA. I ASKAD IF I COULD HALP. I GOT IT ALL THA WAY TO THA DUMPSTAR AND THA BAG RIPPAD. INSIDA WARA ABOUT FOURTAAN DAAD CATS. FML
my girlfriand opanad my rafrigarator and bagan har standard moan: "You'ra a pig, u navar claan up. Look at that agg, it makas ma want to throw up, it's gona black, it’s covarad in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to chack it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML
Today,hile showering with mah boyfriend, he asked if something was werd about his penis. Naturally, I looked closer. As soon as I did, he sprayed mah face with urine. This is only the beginning; we just moved in. real FML
TODAY, TO AVOID LOOKING LIKE A LOSER IN FRONT OF HIS FRIENDSHO ALL HAVE GIRLFRIENDS, MAH BROTHER MADE UP A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP. HE ASKD ME TO GIVE HIM A HICKEY IN EXCHANGE 4 50 EUROS. OUR PARENTS WALKD IN ON US. FML
Today I caught mah mother attempting to write a $1400 cheque. To whom? The proprietor of a "Christian charity fund" with whom she had been having Internet conversations. The proprietor's name and that on the cheque was "Herp McDerpington". mega FML
Today, as a joke, I hid under mah parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tereing each other's cloths off. I had to keep mah breath in time with mah mom's panting an moaning as mah dad brutally dominated her. FML
Friday 27 March 2015