About fightingkittens : Once upon a time I had an FML published. Unfortunately I neglected to make a proper sacrifice of watermelons and chimney sweeps to the All-Sentient Sniping and Hissing Ovarian Longitudinal Entity and as a result of this grievance, it was never credited to my profile. You can find it by searching "staph infection" in the search bar--the name on the account is accurate.
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The Thumb returns
You have thumbed 5000 comments.
Between your Facebook account and your FML account, things are no longer complicated: their relationship is official. We like this.
How about we run you a bath and give you a new car as well?
fightingkittens's favorite FMLs
Today, I lifted up a watermelon, not realising it had gone bad. The thing exploded like an alien giving birth. Stinking juice and rotten inside all over the kitchen. Even behind the build-in closets. It smells like rotten fruit cheese and I can't reach behind the closets. FML
by melon squash / 09/11/2016 at 6:15am / Belgium (Vlaams-Brabant) / Miscellaneous
by guh / 08/31/2016 at 11:54am / Malaysia (Selangor) / Intimacy
Today, my iguana tried to eat my hand. Taking that as a sign of being hungry, I gave him a bowl of fruits and veggies. After he finished the bowl, he tried to eat my hand again. My iguana's an asshole. FML
by Anonymous / 07/19/2016 at 11:01pm / United Kingdom / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 06/17/2016 at 7:29pm / United Kingdom (St. Helens) / Miscellaneous
Today, I took a train for 5 hours to a remote northern community. My belt broke as I was getting off the train. I went to the only store and bought a new belt. Taking it off to go to bed, the new belt broke. I have to go visit clients today with a shoestring holding up my pants. FML
by Belt issues / 06/09/2016 at 8:21am / Canada (Quebec) / Miscellaneous
by Erin / 05/09/2016 at 10:18pm / United States (Ohio) / Health
by Anonymous / 04/22/2016 at 4:14pm / United States (West Virginia) / Kids
by Anonymous / 03/26/2016 at 1:13pm / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy
Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML
by Anonymous / 03/25/2016 at 12:05pm / United States / Health
by sorkin15 / 03/24/2016 at 5:06pm / United States (Florida) / Work
Today, at the supermarket, I picked up a pack of toilet rolls, at which point my 5-year-old daughter turned to me and screamed, "A CLEAN BUTTHOLE IS A HAPPY BUTTHOLE!" in front of a dozen other people. I have no idea where she heard that. FML
by humiliated / 03/20/2016 at 7:54am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids
by Wolf6661 / 03/14/2016 at 2:29pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work
Today, despite hints, suggestions, and even blatant criticism, my coworker refuses to believe he smells like rotten donkey nuts. He says he only needs to shower once a week, and that he doesn't believe in deodorant. I volunteered to do an extra autopsy today because the morgue smells better. FML
by ragnarok1540 / 02/17/2016 at 11:35pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work
Today, the play I was directing opened. The curtain opened, and my lead actor and actress weren't prepared. I could tell from the looks on their faces as the whole audience saw him balls deep in her, doggy style, on stage. FML
by headinabag33 / 02/14/2016 at 8:57pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy