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by Anonymous / 04/09/2013 at 6:29am / Health
by noooooooo / 03/17/2013 at 8:10pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love
Today, I was caught "experimenting" with my friend at his house. His parents called mine, and my dad came to drive me home. On the way back, he tried to cheer me up by saying, "Son, don't be ashamed. When I was your age, I sucked a few dicks myself." Thanks for the info, Dad. FML
by ugh / 03/11/2013 at 7:33am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy
Today, I finally got to conduct my first questioning of a suspect, who had been arrested in connection with a car theft. As I recited the Miranda warning to him, my mind went totally blank, and after a few seconds, he sarcastically continued the speech for me. FML
by Anonymous / 01/17/2013 at 12:15pm / United States (Minnesota) / Work
Today, I went to a urinal next to an elderly gentleman. As I was doing my business, he zips up and begins to leave. On his way out, he leans over my shoulder and whispers in my ear, "That's nice". FML
by hborkowski / 12/26/2012 at 11:03pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 12/15/2012 at 3:52am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
by WTFFAIL / 12/03/2012 at 12:06am / Canada (Quebec) / Health
Today, as an introduction to the history of China, I asked my APA World History class to write a 500 word essay on a historical Chinese person. Out of a class of 18, five of them were about Mulan. FML
by desperate / 10/05/2012 at 5:47am / Malta / Work
by SadDad / 09/22/2012 at 2:11pm / United States (Virginia) / Kids
by StupidBerk / 09/17/2012 at 7:25pm / United Kingdom / Kids
Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his parents. My boyfriend is Japanese, and I wanted to introduce myself in Japanese so I'd asked him. Little did I know he'd taught me how to say, "Hello, I love your son's cock." I almost got kicked out of their house. FML
by painfetish8021 / 09/16/2012 at 8:50pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love
Today, I came home from work to be given $1 by my mother. This normally would have been nice, had my mother not said, "I just sold that ugly old black and white picture frame you always leave lying around in your room." Which also would have been nice if that "frame" wasn't my Kindle. FML
by humorizer / 09/12/2012 at 4:44am / United States (Texas) / Money
Today, I got a phone call out of the blue from a young man, who screamed that he was going to kill me for sleeping with his fiancée. I told him I am a 49-year-old man who hasn't been laid since my wife passed away, four years ago. He stammered, shouted "Well she was a slut too" and hung up. FML
by Anonymous / 08/17/2012 at 8:20pm / United States / Love
Today, I was taking a walk when I noticed an elderly man on the ground, unmoving. Being a registered nurse, I tried to give him CPR. As my lips touched his, he hacked a loogie and spat it into the back of my throat. I swallowed. FML
by guy / 07/29/2012 at 11:24pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was in line at the pharmacy when the man in front of me asked if I wanted to see a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. Before I had time to answer, he showed me a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. FML
by Uncircumcised Penis / 07/24/2012 at 5:51am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous