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emirie's favorite FMLs
by Harry / 05/13/2014 at 6:37pm / United States (Georgia) / Money
Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML
by chumman / 05/06/2014 at 9:55am / United States (New York) / Intimacy
by melmel / 05/05/2014 at 1:07am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous
Today, my Spanish teacher imitated the sound of a coffee grinder, and then said in Spanish, "OK, all of you do it." I did it, thinking everyone else would too. I was the only one in the class who'd understood the Spanish part. FML
by me / 04/24/2014 at 11:32am / United States (Kentucky) / Work
by ewhy / 04/23/2014 at 2:37pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, I went to get an ultrasound done. I texted my ex, who's the father, and told him how adorable its little feet are, and asked him why he didn't come. I got a reply with two words: "DNA test". FML
by kelly.duggan / 04/21/2014 at 12:03am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids
Today, I found out that even though my girlfriend of 3 years believes sex before marriage or even me just jacking off is a big no, doing online strip-shows for money is a big yes for her. Both times that I've proposed, she claimed she isn't "ready" for marriage. FML
by Anonymous / 04/20/2014 at 1:58pm / United Kingdom (Wigan) / Love
by ClaustrophobicNightmares / 03/28/2014 at 4:42am / Saudi Arabia (Ar Riyad) / Work
Today, I took my 12 year-old to the orthodontist. While I was talking to the dentist about what was needing to be done, my daughter listened. With a straight face, the dentist joked, "Yeah, we're going to need to rip off her entire jaw." My daughter won't leave her room anymore. FML
by Anonymous / 03/27/2014 at 8:09pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids
by mookiemookie01 / 03/27/2014 at 6:34pm / Miscellaneous
Today, at my job as a bouncer at a music venue, a guy got his nose broken in a rowdy mosh pit. When I went to help him up and see if he was okay, he said, "It was an accident, please don't kick me out," but the word "please" came out as a hot spray of his blood across my face. FML
by ColoradoGirl420 / 03/24/2014 at 2:53pm / United States (Colorado) / Work
by pantyripper / 03/24/2014 at 8:39am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous
by doesn't fuck on the first, thank god / 03/23/2014 at 4:25pm / United Kingdom (Southend-on-Sea) / Love
by Anonymous / 03/21/2014 at 2:16pm / United Kingdom (Kingston upon Thames) / Love
by Lori_ftw / 02/26/2014 at 10:28pm / United States (California) / Work
- Today, my boyfriend proposed. Two hours later I get a text from my ex announcing he has just been… Today, I had an orgasm for the first time in almost 3 months. My husband was beaming, saying he had… Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Mid-thrust she says "I love you, Jeremy." Then in rapid…