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eb9821's favorite FMLs
by idonthavereligion / 05/29/2015 at 12:16am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had a call to the rodent rescue I run. They wanted to know if we had any mice for adoption and how much they cost. I told them that we had over 30 mice, and that we don't charge but do take donations. They said, "That's fantastic! I've been struggling to find snake food that isn't frozen!" FML
by bekkylove22 / 05/27/2015 at 4:45am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Animals
Today, after a broken smoke detector in my home caused the fire department to come, I got an angry visit from my neighbor who was upset because she had parked in front of a fire hydrant and got a ticket. She demands that I pay it, "or else." FML
by Anonymous / 05/25/2015 at 12:04pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by baby_trex_arms / 05/05/2015 at 11:13am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, my teacher took my test along with another student's and gave us both a zero. Why? Because we both have colds so when we breathe through our nose it makes a sniffle noise. She thought we were using a secret code to communicate by sniffling. FML
by Mr. Sniffles / 03/23/2015 at 11:43am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
by tumbleshay / 03/20/2015 at 9:32pm / United States (Oregon) / Love
Today, I had to bail my drunk dad out of jail after he beat the shit out of a mime artist. All he had to say on the matter was "Fucking bastard was playing mind games." and that he'd beat him up again if he could. FML
Today, while chatting with my in-laws, I told them about my upcoming spinal surgery. Soon after, when I went to get us some drinks, I overheard them murmuring about how many surgeries I've already had, how I'm a drain on the healthcare system, and how I should ideally just die. FML
by Anonymous / 03/07/2015 at 5:34am / United Kingdom (Edinburgh, City of) / Health
by Josh / 03/05/2015 at 7:25pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
Today, while working at Subway I joked with a customer asking him if he was going to order in Spanish. The women in front of him began yelling about how I was being racist and told my manager that I needed to be fired. The customer I was joking with was my Spanish teacher. FML
by anonymous / 02/15/2015 at 5:39pm / United States (Georgia) / Work
by Anonymous / 02/14/2015 at 2:02pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous
Today, my mom asked my siblings and me for help cleaning the kitchen. After working for a half hour while all my siblings sat on the couch, I pointed out that I was the only one working. My mom thanked my siblings for not having attitudes like mine and sent me to my room. FML
by Anonymous / 02/08/2015 at 11:47pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous
Today, while shopping with my 6-year-old daughter, she said, "Mommy, remember you wanna get duck tape!" A middle-aged guy nearby scoffed and told her: "DUCT, not DUCK. Dumb cunt." I ended up having to drive my bawling daughter home with no shopping. FML
Today, my fiancée told me about her new diet. Apparently, she is only going to drink water and tan in a tanning bed so she can photosynthesise. She thinks this will help her lose weight, since she doesn't have to eat anything. I'm dating a dumbass. FML
by lucas90 / 02/04/2015 at 4:42pm / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Love
by Sprinkles / 02/04/2015 at 2:44am / Australia / Miscellaneous
- Today, I was at the breakfast table when my sister started eating a banana. Before I knew what was… Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML Today, I was having sex with a girl. After we finish, she tells me she already has a boyfriend, and…