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dvojplisen's favorite FMLs
Today, I lost my phone. I tried to call it using my husband's phone, but couldn't figure out which of the three Kates in the contact list was me. Turns out, two are co-workers and one is his aunt. I was listed under Satan. FML
by Satan / 03/15/2010 at 7:22pm / United States (Washington) / Love
by Dog fart / 02/13/2010 at 11:08am / United States / Animals
Today, while taking a shower, I saw shadows moving across the curtains. The shadow turned out to be a cricket that then fell into the tub. I ran out of the bathroom screaming and naked. My little sister came to my door and said, "If I hadn't just seen your balls, I would swear mom had TWO daughters." FML
by Anonymous / 12/11/2009 at 8:03pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
Today, my coworker asked to borrow my nail clippers so he could take care of a hangnail. He went to the bathroom, which I thought was polite, but when he got back to his desk and returned my clippers, there were little curly hairs stuck inside. He's bald. FML
by Hairball / 12/10/2009 at 3:41pm / United States (Indiana) / Work
Today, I carved a pumpkin for Halloween. I thought it would be cool to carve my name, and have it shine through onto the wall behind it. I figured that if I carved my name backwards then it would show up correct on the wall. My name's Lana and now my wall says Anal. FML
by Anonymous / 10/23/2009 at 1:22am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
by SheWentCrayola / 10/16/2009 at 10:04pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
by ripfluffy / 09/28/2009 at 3:15am / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was in class, playing online poker and keeping up my winning record. I eventually got seated against a guy who beat me at every hand. I heard laughing behind me after I lost all my winnings. The guy behind me had just made an account, looked over my shoulder, and won all my money. FML
by shushingmoon / 09/18/2009 at 3:15pm / United States (Louisiana) / Money
Today, I pulled someone over for speeding. He was only 10 over the speed limit so I gave him an $84 fine. It turns out he is a workplace Occupational Health and Safety officer and because I wasn't wearing my high visibilty vest while standing on the side of the road he gave me a $250 fine. FML
by auscop / 09/17/2009 at 6:57am / Australia (Western Australia) / Transportation
by Kegronauer / 08/23/2009 at 5:35pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The cop was hot so I flirted with him as much as I could. But when he came back to the car he still gave me a ticket. Feeling desperate I said, "I thought you didn't give tickets to pretty girls." His response: "We don't." FML
by Anonymous / 07/31/2009 at 9:51am / United States (Utah) / Transportation
by nosrepamai82 / 07/26/2009 at 12:28am / United States (Florida) / Love
by Pumpkin / 07/17/2009 at 10:00pm / United States (Texas) / Kids
Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML
by DutchOven / 07/04/2009 at 5:07pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love
Today, I realized that my company's calendar is synchronized throughout the whole building. The entire company now knows that I made love to my wife last Wednesday and Friday, and that I went out with a girl named Janet on Saturday. My wife's name is Julie, and she works in the same building. FML
by Fred / 06/26/2009 at 9:32pm / United States (Michigan) / Work
- Today, or actually for a while I wanted to break up with my boyfriend because of his huge lack of… Today, I just found out that my little brother likes to peak through the crack of the bathroom door… Today, at my oldest sisters wedding she forgot something borrowed. she looked at me and said if I'm…