datshistylizard1

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datshistylizard1

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datshistylizard1's FML badges

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datshistylizard1's favorite FMLs

Today, someone drove into my car at an intersection and drove off. Luckily, I got the car's registration plate and called the cops on them. Turns out, it was my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend, who was illegally driving without a license. Now everyone's mad at me for getting her in trouble. FML

by Innocent / 08/18/2016 at 7:03pm / New Zealand / Transportation

Today, I was fired from my job. Not because I don't do a good job but because my boss didn't feel it was appropriate to have an affair with my wife and have to face me everyday. FML

by Wellthen / 07/27/2016 at 9:07pm / Work

Today, after months of putting up with it, I finally asked my manager not to put me on shifts with this old guy who is racist, sexist and lazy. This was how I found out that he died over the weekend. FML

by fmlsheffgirl / 07/25/2016 at 7:52am / United Kingdom (Sheffield) / Work

Today, I got grounded for having a boner when I woke up. FML

by nightjay / 07/11/2016 at 10:32am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I finally decided to accept a date proposal from a guy who's had a crush on me for years. I got into his car, and it smelled strongly of my middle school perfume. I went into his bedroom and saw my middle school class photos hanging everywhere. Let's just say I ran home that night. FML

by hannamacintosh / 07/07/2016 at 2:37pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I set up a hidden camera in my room so I could prove that my sister beats me up when my parents aren't home, since they always accuse me of lying about it. When I showed them, they wasted no time accusing me of "provoking" her off-camera. FML

by Anonymous / 07/01/2016 at 10:10am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad might be dead. I'm basing this solely on the fact that he hasn't called recently to verbally abuse me as he often does. He constantly beat me as a child, yet now I'm kind of worried for the piece of shit. FML

by Anonymous / 06/29/2016 at 10:42am / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, my daughter posted a poem on Facebook about how her father and I abused her for years. It's a complete lie and an obvious attempt to impress her boyfriend, whom she thanked for "rescuing" her. I've received several hateful messages already, along with threats to report me to CPS. FML

by Anonymous / 06/24/2016 at 5:35pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I said no, she started crying so much that her mom came out 5 minutes later and demanded that I give her daughter the dog. FML

by Anonymous / 06/21/2016 at 10:45pm / United States (Missouri) / Kids

Today, my wife said she was going to her friend's place to help her with couponing. She started getting ready at 5pm; shaved her legs, did her hair, put on skin-tight leggings and a low-cut top. Left at 6pm, snuck back in at 2:50am. Shit, couponing must be really exciting. FML

by Anonymous / 06/11/2016 at 1:15am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I went to pick my dog up from my old house where my ex-boyfriend still lives. I rang the doorbell and saw him look out of the side window holding the dog. When I told him I was there for my dog, he claimed that the dog was his now. He broke up with me because he hates dogs. FML

by codyolimason / 06/08/2016 at 4:36pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was food shamed by my boyfriend in front of an entire restaurant and his parents because my meal cost more than his. His mom chimed in saying her meal usually costs more than his step dad's too and not to be upset. I'm 8 months pregnant, of course mine costs more. FML

by Preggo / 05/14/2016 at 1:11pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found an injured rabbit by the side of the road. I was about to take it to the local vet, when my husband picked it up and casually snapped its neck. "No rabbit's worth my money" he said, forgetting that he's been a jobless moocher for over 3 years. Pass me the goddamn divorce papers. FML

by Anonymous / 05/14/2016 at 6:34am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said I'm going to be an uncle. FML

by captainuniverse / 05/14/2016 at 1:53am / United States (Tennessee) / Kids

Today, a woman kindly asked if she might take a photo of her son in our cowboy boots. Thinking it couldn't do much harm, I agreed. Ten minutes later there was a butt naked three year-old and his entire family taking pictures in my shoe store. My manager wasn't impressed. FML

by jasonvanr / 05/10/2016 at 4:19am / South Africa (Gauteng) / Work