About da_kel95 : Enlisted as infantry/ranger in the United States Army!! I ship to basic training in fort Benning Georgia on July 15, 2014. I listen to Five Finger Death Punch like its a religion!!
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da_kel95's favorite FMLs
Today, a bird got into the walls of my house through a hole. I located where it was by following the chirping and scratching sounds, and drilled a hole to get it out. I pulled out the drill, only to find the drill bit bloody. Suddenly, no more chirps. FML
by Anonymous / 05/05/2014 at 5:03pm / United States (Indiana) / Animals
by Anonymous / 04/30/2014 at 5:51pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, my husband and I had some bath time to ourselves. After having sex, he decided to put bath salts in my vagina to spice things up for the next round. It's been twenty minutes out of the bath and it still feels like there are pop rocks in my vagina. FML
by Anonymous / 03/31/2014 at 10:08pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, my boyfriend asked why I never let him go down on me. I told him that it doesn't do much for me, even though it really does. I didn't have the courage to tell him that it's because he acts like a rabid dog when he does. FML
by tayymeds / 03/12/2014 at 3:44am / United States (California) / Intimacy
by gottacatchemall / 01/08/2014 at 12:43am / United States / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 12/22/2013 at 3:45am / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy
Today, my boyfriend of 2 weeks said that he was going to cook me dinner. After waiting for the frozen pizza that he decided to make for me to be completely cooked, he said, "Oh I hate this part", reached into the oven with his bare hands and took out the pizza, all while screaming. He is 24. FML
by Anonymous / 04/11/2013 at 11:42am / United States / Miscellaneous
by Wow / 04/11/2013 at 8:52am / United States / Love
Today, during my first day as a medical intern in a new ward, I was performing a rectal exam. My supervisor thought it would be funny to burst into the room and scream, "Who are you?! You don't even work here, you pervert!" FML
Today, in the middle of the night, I got up to go get some water. When I came back, I was going to flop onto my bed, but I faceplanted into my floor. I'd forgotten that I'd rearranged my room and moved my bed. FML
by ayye_its_nikki / 12/19/2012 at 12:07am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, trying to be kinky while giving my boyfriend a blow job, I whipped him with my ponytail. He was thrilled, until I accidentally head-butted his dick. He curled up into a ball and wouldn't let me touch him again. FML
by kinkicali / 11/20/2012 at 3:43am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy
by wow babe / 11/19/2012 at 12:46pm / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy
Today, my boyfriend discovered that if he pulls out during doggy-style and rubs my clit with the tip of his penis, he will be rewarded with a queef. He found it hilarious and tested it out 5 more times. FML
by SoSexy / 10/07/2012 at 6:25am / United States (California) / Intimacy
by Brax / 05/30/2012 at 5:46am / United States / Intimacy
by Patrick R / 06/09/2011 at 12:01pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
- Today, and for the last few days I've stopped texting the people I talk with daily to see if they'd… Today, my vegan friend, not knowing that I'm allergic to soy, snuck tofu into my chicken burrito to… Today, a customer bitched at me in front of her children for 10 minutes because I wouldn't open the…