About bvbarmy4ever : The gates of heaven were locked shut, the pits of hell they were all filled up, and I fear I don't belong here
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bvbarmy4ever's favorite FMLs
by kendrox / 05/02/2014 at 3:11am / United States (Indiana) / Work
Today, I was in a market in France, and went to ask the seller for some potatoes. I speak fluent French, but I got flustered and instead of saying "pomme de terre", which is the French for potato, I said "pomme de merde". I literally asked for an "apple of shit". FML
by Kaddiscott / 01/20/2014 at 5:12am / Italy (Trentino-Alto Adige) / Miscellaneous
Today, while waiting in the queue at a supermarket checkout, my three-year-old daughter yells out, "Mom! Mom! Is that a man or a lady in front?" Embarrassed, I reply, "Honey, can't you see that it's a... it's a... a..." FML
by [...] / 12/12/2013 at 9:28am / France (Rhone-Alpes) / Kids
Today, while delivering pizzas, someone ordered $19.41 in pizza and wings. After finally finding her appartment, she paid me in two sandwich bags full of pennies and nickels. I had to count them out before giving her the pizza. We aren't allowed to enter the residence, and it was 22 degrees. FML
by JudasThePriest / 12/01/2013 at 2:42am / United States (North Carolina) / Work
Today, I watched a little girl laugh while giving bread to some pigeons at a bus stop. A bus then arrived. All the pigeons moved out of the away, except one. Its head got crushed by a wheel, and some blood splattered onto the little girl's shoes, who then screamed. With laughter. FML
by B_and_W / 11/21/2013 at 6:35am / France / Kids
Today, as always, my boyfriend has the ability to pop his eyeballs out of his eye sockets. He thought it'd be funny for me to wake up face-to-face with the disgusting sight. The shit in my bowels did an early Thanksgiving Day parade straight into my underwear. FML
by Anonymous / 11/10/2013 at 6:27pm / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous
by Grandson / 11/07/2013 at 12:52am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by vrossie_ / 09/08/2013 at 1:56am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, we were having a family dinner with my boyfriend's parents and mine. In the kitchen, when we were getting the food ready, he proposed. I screamed. My dad thought he was hurting me, came in and tased him in the leg. FML
by why / 08/17/2013 at 10:18am / United States (Tennessee) / Love
Today, I asked this really cute girl for her number. I had nothing else on me so I told her to write it on a dollar bill. Later, without thinking, I put it in a vending machine. I freaked out and frantically pushed the return button. It gave me back quarters. FML
by gavinbanks / 07/21/2013 at 6:55pm / United States (Oregon) / Love
by imawesomeokay / 07/20/2013 at 1:53am / Mexico (Jalisco) / Transportation
by Anonymous / 07/01/2013 at 12:10pm / United States (Utah) / Animals
by just trying to be nice / 06/20/2013 at 10:17pm / United States (Arizona) / Transportation
Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time to meet my parents. They were having a heated argument because my mom had bought "the wrong toilet paper" and my dad was angry because "she should know that he has a sensitive anus". FML
by Sonofa / 05/17/2013 at 11:52am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous
by asdffhhjk / 05/15/2013 at 4:08am / Philippines (Manila) / Miscellaneous
- Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to… Today, I had a mini heart attack as my dad stopped in the middle of the street and said, "I wonder… Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and…
- Today, I was asked out by the guy of my dreams only to be dumped 2 minutes later because his best… Today, my phone fell from the table. I desperately tried to catch it with my foot, but I completely… Today my dog left a present for me at the top of the stairs. I didn't turn on the lights when I was…