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blueyes909's favorite FMLs
Today, my boyfriend keeps requesting that I make eye contact when I give him blowjobs. He won't let up about it. I don't know how to break it to him that his penis is too small for me to suck and look upward at the same time. FML
by oh gee / 05/02/2016 at 1:01am / Intimacy
by foreveryoung / 04/30/2016 at 12:23pm / France / Miscellaneous
by w0w / 04/22/2016 at 8:12am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by Dipping Tired / 04/20/2016 at 7:17pm / United States (New York) / Health
by 0h_Boy / 04/20/2016 at 4:03pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
by Me myself & I / 04/18/2016 at 9:09pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
Today, I performed a piano piece at a school play. Everything went well until I got up and accidentally smashed my shin against one of the piano legs. Before I could bite my tongue, I'd already yelled "Fucking hell!" in front of about 50 second graders. FML
by Anonymous / 04/18/2016 at 3:28pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous
Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML
by Anonymous / 04/09/2016 at 9:12am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids
Today, my girlfriend wanted to try having sex despite her serious body image issues. Unfortunately, I couldn't get it up due to how utterly terrified she looked. Now no matter what I say, she thinks it's all because her body is hideous. FML
by Anonymous / 04/06/2016 at 12:59pm / United States (Connecticut) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 03/28/2016 at 4:23pm / United States / Love
by pancaketits / 03/22/2016 at 11:33am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous
Today, while working for a hospital security company, I had to assist in restraining a male patient while the nurses put a catheter in him. All I will say is that it looked like a worm trying to swallow a straw. FML
by Shock / 03/21/2016 at 4:12pm / United States (Colorado) / Work
Today, my boyfriend of a year and a half informed me that he had "accepted" my stomach, even though it didn't conform to his "preference" for a flat stomach. He then added that his acceptance doesn't extend to my "chunky thighs". FML
by chunky monkey / 03/14/2016 at 2:26pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Love
by SlowPacker / 03/09/2016 at 2:07am / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous
Today, I introduced my kind and amazing Iranian boyfriend to my mother. When he went to use the rest room, she warned me to "knock it off with this Bin Laden fetish" or she'll have me put on psychiatric hold. FML
by Anonymous / 03/05/2016 at 1:58am / Israel (Tel Aviv) / Love
- Today, I made a dessert and shared it with my friends. one of the layers of this dessert was white.… Today, I realized my parents have gone out of they're way to make it impossible for me to move out.… Today, I got up early to help my boyfriend get prepared to go turkey hunting and started his loud…
- Today, on the road in China, I committed a small offense. A cop saw me, stopped me and told me that… Today, I’m in Thailand and I met a monk. The conversation was so deep and interesting that, without… Today, a car almost hit me. Since I wasn’t hurt, the driver chased me with a baseball bat to finish…