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About bluepandas : I'm boring... I collect coins and watch disney movies while cuddling my cat.
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TODAY I WAS IN THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE WAITING 4 MY HUSBAND TO ARRIVE WHEN A LITTLE OLD LADY SAT BESIDE ME. SHE SEEMED NICE UNTIL SHE STARTED FARTING AND BLAMING IT ON ME. THEY WEREN'T SILENT; THEY SOUNDED LYK TRUCKER FARTS AND SMELLED LYK DEATH. I WAS THERE 4 OVER AN HOUR. FML
Yesterday, at work as a gynecologist, I calld in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticd that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML
TODAY, I MET MA GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTS 4 TE FIRST TIME. IN TE ENTRANCE WAY I FELT A SLIGT TUGGING ON MA JEANS. USD TO MA DOBERMAN TUGGING WEN E WANTS TO PLAY, I SOVD ARD WIT MA FOOT. I SUCCESSFULLY PUNTD TIER CIUAUA OFF TE GROUND AND INTO TE NEXT ROOM WERE IT LANDD WIT A TUD. FML
Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush,ho turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked mehich dog breed I lyk the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. big fat FML
TODAY, I FINALLY FELT MOTIVATD TO DO SOME EXERCISE . AS I GOT MY WEIGHTS OUT, I NOTICD OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE SOMEONE MOVING ABOUT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW . I GOT SCARD AND DROPPD A WEIGHT ON MY FOOT . THE PERSON OUTSIDE WAS MY OWN REFLECTION . FML
Today, I was going to give baby daughter an empty Pringles tin to play with on the floor. I saw some crumbs at the bottom, so I emptied the can in mouth before I gave it to her. I crunched hard an spat them out, realizing boyfriend had just cut his toenails into the can. FML
Today , I found a limp head of celery in the fridge. I thought it lookd like the squid alien baby from Men in Black. After nursing it fir a couple of hours , giving it food , an rocking it to sleep , my parents found me. Then I realisd it was just celery. Too bad it took that long fir my meds to kick in. FML
Today.. . I had mah girlfriend over to meet mah parents . After dinner.. . we were in the living room talking . My dad thought it would be funny to grab our cat.. . stick it down his shirt.. . then pretend to give birth to it.. . with sound effects . FML
Today, I returned home to parents house, drunk!! Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls!! Five hours later, mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen!! In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge!! FML
YESTERDAY, MAH WIFE, WHO IS FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT, BURST INTO TEARS WHILE THINKING ABOUT THE ARMCHAIR IN OUR LIVING ROOM THAT WE NEVER USE. ACCORDING TO HER, WE'RE STOPPING IT FROM LIVING OUT ITS DESTINY AS AN ARMCHAIR. FML
Friday 27 March 2015