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ashseal's favorite FMLs
by Marika / 07/20/2015 at 1:48pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I was having sex with this amazingly hot guy. Things got pretty intense, and right as I was about to orgasm, the gold crucifix came flying off his necklace and sliced my eyelid open. Message received. Well played, God. FML
by Sinnersinner / 09/21/2014 at 7:27am / United States (California) / Intimacy
by cat lady / 08/30/2014 at 7:56am / Norway (Rogaland) / Animals
Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML
by SophieGray / 05/20/2011 at 7:33pm / United States (New York) / Animals
Today, I had my new girlfriend over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, my dad started poking her with his fork. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he barked back, "Just making sure she isn't a blow-up doll!" FML
by Anonymous / 05/20/2011 at 7:30pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, my boss scheduled a staff breakfast at a swanky new restaurant for all the hard work we've been doing. The dining area is on the roof, and the building has no elevator. I've been in a wheelchair for 11 years. When I brought this to my boss's attention, he said it wasn't his problem. FML
by jayc80 / 05/20/2011 at 1:59pm / Bermuda (Hamilton) / Work
Today, I went to Subway with my girlfriend. Just as the time came for her to pay, she went to the car to grab her purse. She didn't come back. I found a note on the windshield saying, "It's over." FML
by DMitch / 05/15/2011 at 3:29pm / United States (Missouri) / Love
by Alex / 05/13/2011 at 5:10pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous
by samadams42 / 05/13/2011 at 3:18pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Health
Today, my husband and I went to the state fair. The entire time, he complained about all the money we were losing because of the high prices of both rides and food. Towards the end of the night, we counted the cash we had left and found we were $50 short. Apparently, it fell out of his pocket. FML
by Catie / 05/13/2011 at 2:47pm / United States (Florida) / Money
Today, while making love to my wife, I let slip her sister's name. I don't think it would calm her down much if I told the truth: I was actually thinking of an ex girlfriend who shares the same name. FML
by scalmon / 05/13/2011 at 1:08pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy
Today, I was brushing my teeth. As a bent down to spit my mouthful of toothpaste into the sink, my cat decided it would be a good time to stick his head right where I was spitting. I spit a huge glob of toothpaste on his head. He then shook it off all over me and the walls. FML
by toothpastecat / 05/13/2011 at 11:41am / Canada (British Columbia) / Animals
Today, I was wondering why I was getting strange looks all day at work. When I got to a mirror after my shift, I noticed a booger hanging out of my nose, which was visible only when I smiled. My job involves greeting people all day with a huge smile. FML
Today, I was driving along when the car in front of me ran over an animal. I only realised this when a chunk of flesh and blood landed on my windscreen. I put my wipers on to get rid of it but instead it got stuck underneath the wipers and smeared all over the screen. FML
by Username / 05/13/2011 at 4:13am / Transportation
- 1Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I… 2Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After… 3Today, I received a phone call, angry at me for not calling my dad on Father's Day. When I told her…
- Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to… Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to throw me against the wall and kiss me like they do… Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake…