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asargent's FML badges
Back from a party
An FML submitted on a Saturday morning between 5 and 6am can't be a good FML.
I like your style
You've liked someone. How cute!
Your FML was denied. We had to at least give you a badge to cheer you up a bit.
asargent's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 05/15/2015 at 7:55pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 04/15/2015 at 1:18pm / United States (Alabama) / Animals
Today, my son invited me to his first standup comedy gig. I accepted, only to later suffer through an hour of the worst jokes I've heard in my entire life. It was so bad, he made Dane Cook look like a comic genius, and I had to resist heckling him. Hours later, I still feel vaguely suicidal. FML
by Anonymous / 04/13/2015 at 11:23am / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Kids
Today, a guy tried to carjack me. Good news: I drive a stick shift, and the idiot apparently couldn't, so I still have my car. Bad news: he was so angry, he beat the shit out of me. I had to get stitches, and now I look like I went on a date with Chris Brown. FML
by Anonymous / 04/10/2015 at 2:04pm / United States (Florida) / Health
Today, I found out that the reason I didn't get the job that I have been working my butt off for over a year for is because they can't find anybody who can do my current job as good as me. I am too good to be promoted. FML
by hard work doesn't work / 03/13/2015 at 2:21am / United States (Texas) / Work
Today, I was walking my dog. Suddenly, my insane neighbor who loves dogs a bit too much comes over and asks to pet my dog. I say OK, thinking that if I watch her, she won't do anything. I turn around to make sure no cars are coming and when I turn back, she's trying to steal my dog. FML
by teecrafter2038 / 03/12/2015 at 10:07am / United States (New York) / Animals
by fucked / 02/06/2015 at 3:06am / Singapore / Work
by DreamsDontComeTrue / 02/05/2015 at 1:15am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous
Today, at work, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head on my cash register. A second later, I heard roaring laughter from the security room, followed by someone saying to play it back. I'd almost convinced myself it wasn't about me, when one of the guys came out and gave me a thumb up. FML
by Grrrreat / 02/04/2015 at 10:16am / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Intimacy
by okseñoryoucrazy / 02/01/2015 at 7:43pm / United States (Washington) / Health
by dogproblems / 01/27/2015 at 10:09am / United States (North Carolina) / Animals
Today, three weeks after my sister took in a wounded porcupine from our backyard and let it roam about the house, I learned that it sheds quills from time to time. How did I learn this? By stepping on three of said quills hidden in the carpet. I still have only managed to pull one out. FML
by dylerbiller / 01/10/2015 at 2:00am / United States / Animals
Today, I am struggling with exhaustion due to insomnia. The reason I cannot sleep is crippling anxiety - not about my complicated romantic situation, my pileup of work, or even my relationship with my father. No, I'm afraid of a blind ship captain I saw in a dream three days ago. FML
by insomniacap / 12/30/2014 at 6:47pm / United States (Connecticut) / Health
by drreeeewwww / 11/25/2014 at 3:44pm / United States (Kentucky) / Animals
- 1Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I… 2Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After… 3Today, I received a phone call, angry at me for not calling my dad on Father's Day. When I told her…
- Today, I walked in on my 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend. They were standing in my bathroom,… Today, my boyfriend went down on me. I don't know why, but my mind wandered. He now thinks that he… Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach…