About arsenicalhumor : I work in a garage for an automotive group. On my free time I'm either reading FML's, or gaming. I like women, so if you're here to flirt: go find someone else.
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arsenicalhumor's favorite FMLs
Today, I was violently throwing up due to severe morning sickness. My boyfriend looked at me, then turned and walked away. In the end, my daughter gave me some paper towel and her juice. My 18-month-old is more supportive of my pregnancy than her 30-year-old father. FML
by InfamousLastWord / 03/27/2013 at 3:34pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to the bank to find out why they've taken $200 from me. By the time I show them my bank card, ID and tell them my problem, they accuse me of stealing my own identity, and refuse to give me my money back. FML
by arsenicalhumor / 03/26/2013 at 9:37pm / Canada (Quebec) / Money
Today, a co-worker invited me to go out for lunch with him. I politely declined, saying I had too many errands to do. The truth is that I'm just too broke. I'll be buying myself a burrito using quarters I found on the floor of my car. FML
by AKGrace / 02/21/2013 at 3:45pm / United States (Alaska) / Money
Today, I took an afternoon nap, and when I woke up, it was pitch black outside. Still groggy, I went downstairs, only to see my dad sporting a shocked expression and a suspiciously powder-white beard. He actually almost convinced me that I'd just woken up from a five year coma. FML
by Anonymous / 02/17/2013 at 12:56am / United States / Miscellaneous
by Greg / 02/10/2013 at 11:01pm / United Kingdom / Love
by DogLover / 02/06/2013 at 8:59am / United States (New York) / Animals
Today, I looked over to see my grandfather looking thoughtfully at me. Feeling flattered because he rarely shows affection, I waved at him. He then said, "I was looking out the window" and continued to stare past my head out of the window. FML
by Unappreciated Grandchild / 11/06/2012 at 2:59am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous
Today, I came home from college to find my favorite silk nightie that I had left behind being modeled by Bernie, the family dog. Nobody will admit to who put it on him. I don't know what's worse, that my family is a bunch of assholes, or that my nightie is big enough to fit a Saint Bernard. FML
by nicedoggy / 10/23/2012 at 2:05pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 09/07/2012 at 1:08am / Canada (Alberta) / Kids
Today, I bought some bitter-apple spray to stop my puppy chewing on everything. Later, I found out how effective it was, when I tried to eat a sandwich, and gagged at the horrifying taste on my hands. My dog seems unaffected, and continues to chew the table legs. FML
by badwolf / 09/04/2012 at 4:34pm / United States / Animals
Today, my boyfriend texted me, saying, "I'm running a bath. Wanna come over and learn about water displacement?" I excitedly drove over, thinking he wanted to have some fun. No, he really did want to teach me about water displacement. FML
by Anonymous / 08/29/2012 at 12:38pm / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy
by ice cream dude / 08/10/2012 at 9:58am / United States (Colorado) / Work
Today, I was joking around with my eight-year-old son. I told him to pull my finger. I farted, then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger, he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML
by habbsrule / 06/15/2012 at 10:21am / Canada / Kids
Today, I was driving my parrot home from the vet. As I was driving home, I decided to let her sit on my shoulder. Something scared her, and she started flapping in my face, causing me to crash my car into a tree. FML
by Anna / 06/15/2012 at 5:43am / United States (California) / Animals
by rawr_fml001 / 05/11/2012 at 7:50pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love
- Today, I had sex with a guy I had wanted for awhile. Or I think it counts as sex. Really, I thought… Today, my mom got a jukebox. She hasn't stopped playing the music on a high volume for the past two… Today, I was woken up around 2 in the morning to my father entering my room to urinate in the cat…