alexkeys

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Offline (the 01/07/2014 at 1:20am)

alexkeys

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  • Number of visits : 280
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  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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alexkeys's favorite FMLs

Today, someone on Instagram posted a picture of himself with gym lifting straps around his neck. I commented "autoerotic asphyxiation" and now a 250-pound bodybuilder wants to kill me. FML

by athletiks / 03/26/2014 at 6:39pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, no matter how many toys and teddies she has, and no matter how much I punish her, I am most likely never going to be able to break my 10-week-old puppy's habit of stealing my underwear. She doesn't eat them or even chew on them. She steals them to sleep with. FML

by Punphmelch / 03/26/2014 at 4:45am / Australia (South Australia) / Animals

Today, I found out that my 15-year-old son is a prolific creator of My Little Pony themed hentai. I'm not a judgmental man, but he's probably going to hell. FML

by ashamed father / 03/09/2014 at 6:32pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, my university professor admitted to sometimes just winging it when she's teaching. "Yeah," she said, "sometimes I just don't get this stuff either." No wonder I'm failing. 5ML

by Profucktardor / 01/24/2014 at 3:33pm / United Kingdom (Derby) / Miscellaneous

Today, my students unanimously agreed, in front of me, that the only reason they take my course is to look at my ass. FML

by jseid2 / 01/15/2014 at 12:54am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I texted my boyfriend of two years and asked if he wanted to go to ball with me. His response was "The person you are trying to message cancelled their phone service and moved to Mexico. Taco taco burrito." I'll take that as a no. FML

by rollergirl13 / 01/11/2014 at 12:55am / United States (Alaska) / Love

Today, I found out my 13-year-old daughter thinks the showerhead got her pregnant. FML

by catfan / 10/30/2013 at 1:48am / United States (California) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a coworker at school yelled at one of our students to be quiet. The kid got pretty upset, so I went to comfort him. He held my hand for the rest of the class, telling me in vivid detail how he was going to kill my coworker. Now I'm afraid to look at him. FML

by Anonymous / 10/01/2013 at 12:36pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I went to my boss's dinner party. My sister, who also works with me, sat across from me at the table. I felt her kick me so I kicked her back. Then I heard something start crying. It was the boss's baby crawling under the table. FML

by offuckingcourse / 08/06/2013 at 1:07am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I poured my heart out to my now ex-girlfriend over the recent passing away of my grandmother. Her eyes glazed over multiple times, and when I said that I don't know how to cope with everything, her advice was simply, "Shotgun. Mouth. Blam." FML

by Anonymous / 07/06/2013 at 12:13pm / Lithuania (Vilniaus Apskritis) / Love

Today, my boyfriend of 2 weeks said that he was going to cook me dinner. After waiting for the frozen pizza that he decided to make for me to be completely cooked, he said, "Oh I hate this part", reached into the oven with his bare hands and took out the pizza, all while screaming. He is 24. FML

by Anonymous / 04/11/2013 at 11:42am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my new dog unburied my old dog and chewed on his bones. FML

by jessica071509 / 04/24/2012 at 1:42am / United States (Arizona) / Animals

Today, I was casually shopping at Walmart. Everything was normal until the young guy browsing the aisle next to me suddenly approached me and whispered "sperm" into my ear. My spine has never experienced a chill like this one before. FML

by Anonymous / 11/30/2011 at 10:11pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML

by Anonymous / 11/09/2011 at 4:52pm / United States / Kids

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

by whyme102008 / 07/13/2011 at 2:32am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy