About Xanster82 : Fatty.
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You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!
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Xanster82's favorite FMLs
Today, a girl I'd been talking to all night actually wanted to come home with me. Stopped to buy condoms. Got home, clothes came off, took out a condom. "Sorry, I'm allergic to latex". She left in a cab. I'm a 27-year old virgin for another night and now have a box of condoms to remind me. FML
by ohgodwhyfml / 11/28/2015 at 9:32am / United States (Connecticut) / Transportation
by Anonymous / 11/25/2015 at 12:30pm / Switzerland (Fribourg) / Kids
Today, something must be wrong with me. Last night, my dick went limper than overcooked spaghetti while in my wife's mouth, yet today I popped a massive boner that you could hammer nails with, while cutting the grass. FML
by anonymous / 11/24/2015 at 2:38pm / Switzerland (Zug) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 11/23/2015 at 9:19am / Australia (Western Australia) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 11/20/2015 at 9:43am / United States (Texas) / Love
Today, while bench pressing at the gym, I noticed my spotter had spit hanging from his mouth right above me. When I tried to warn him about it, he ignored me and told me to finish the set. When the drool fell in my mouth, I was startled and dropped the 175 weights and bar on my chest. FML
by Me / 11/19/2015 at 5:00pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, at school, I was asked to play a complex piano piece in front of my class, teachers and guests. I nailed it, but what stood out most for everyone was how I apparently looked like I was being possessed while performing. FML
by auto boogie man / 11/19/2015 at 11:44am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, my girlfriend cornered me and asked if I'm gay. I said no and asked why she even had any doubts. Apparently me being depressed and crying over my grandmother's death is "faggish" and means I want to have sex with men. Who knew? FML
by Anonymous / 11/18/2015 at 8:47am / United States (North Carolina) / Health
Today, I started to tell my step-dad about a funny video I came across online last night. He cut me off by saying "Yeah? Well I came across your mom's face last night!" then left for work with a shit-eating grin on his face. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. FML
by Anonymous / 11/14/2015 at 6:47am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
Today, the only way I could get my boyfriend to come over for a serious discussion was to heavily imply I wanted to talk about having a threesome. In actual fact, I just wanted to break up with him face-to-face, because he barely acknowledges my existence unless he's horny. FML
by Anonymous / 11/08/2015 at 12:28am / United States (Delaware) / Love
by Anonymous / 11/05/2015 at 4:24pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my girlfriend's mother insisted she's not homophobic, but however people only 'turn gay' because they were sexually abused, or are 'making it up to get attention'. She informed me I'm the former and my girlfriend is the latter. Uh huh. FML
by Queerbait / 11/05/2015 at 1:52am / Australia / Love
Today, I saw the pumpkin I had put out for Halloween was starting to get mushy. I went to put it in a trash bag when it slipped out of my hands and burst over my knee. My dog heard the noise, ran into the kitchen and attacked me out of panic. FML
by downgirl / 11/04/2015 at 1:02am / United States (Oklahoma) / Animals
by duckthisspit / 10/31/2015 at 11:23pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Money
by guessthatsatrickthen / 10/31/2015 at 1:19pm / United Kingdom (Leeds) / Miscellaneous